Last Monday, Demetri and I went to see the Endocrinologist regarding this hormone problem I'm having with my ovaries. Dr. Frenchbread (as she will be referred to throughout this post) was pleasant enough, but as she stepped out of the room so I could put my clothes on, we both felt like she was going to come back in and ask us what we were doing there...which she basically did. During our appointment she asked all kinds of questions about and around the "symptoms" of PCOS. She would just nod and type...very un-emotional in a typically French way (she was actually French, by the way).
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Can't remember what I was going to say
I finally have a free 20 minutes to sit and "blog it out," as my husband would say, and now I can't remember what I was going to say :)
I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.
I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.
Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.
A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)
Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.
I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.
I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.
I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.
Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.
A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)
Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.
I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Yes, Anelle, I Pray...
The cry (or scream) of my heart these last few days...I can't claim that I wrote this, but whoever did, wrote it for me...I added the emphasis.
It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!
I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.
Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.
It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!
I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.
Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.
Friday, November 7, 2008
[Insert exasperated noise here]
I had my annual exam yesterday - which also included a "why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant" conversation. Background: my doctor's appointment was on day 49 of my cycle...no period and only one pink line. I love my GYN, so I wasn't panicked too much about having to have this conversation. She was super sweet and attentive and thorough...she checked for some thyroid conditions and proceeded with the exam. Then she said the two words that no one that's trying to get pregnant wants to hear..."fertility clinic."
Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)
*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."
I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.
Just when you think this can't get better, it does.
Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)
*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."
I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.
Just when you think this can't get better, it does.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Fire Me
OMG! Has it really been one month since I dropped a note? apparently
So, quickly - here's our status:
~Today is day 27. The weekend of 10/3 we went to Lexington, VA, for Demetri's 10th college reunion, where - as my mother put it- we were like rabbits...didn't know we'd be ovulating, but discovered about halfway through the weekend that we were. Yea! except now, I'm psychotically aware of every ache and pain my body is making and secretly holding my breath that day 28 will come and go, so will day 35 and then there will be two pink lines on a stick all the while trying to play it cool and be excited that even if we're not preggers, that this means my body is finally getting back to normal.
~We went camping last weekend and I skipped the 4.5 mile hike as, according to all the "literature" that was the time that our little egg/sperm combo would have implanted...so, we agreed that avoiding the activity might be best. I'm 50% sure that I'll feel pretty silly about that decision in 2 weeks, but it was nice to have 2 and a half hours to myself outside in the great weather. Thanks do Danielle (holla!), however, I feel free to be as silly as I want to about these types of decisions - as long as I'm comfortable :)
~This does mean, however, that poor Demetri is doing some extra heavy lifting...he helped hang new curtains, change the sheets and schelped all the laundry upstairs. It's hard consciously making a choice to not do the things you know you'd normally be capable of doing in hopes of increasing your chances of the combo sticking. I'd dare to say it's humbling.
So - I belive that's the latest and greatest...I'll be sure to let you know how the next 7 days works out.
So, quickly - here's our status:
~Today is day 27. The weekend of 10/3 we went to Lexington, VA, for Demetri's 10th college reunion, where - as my mother put it- we were like rabbits...didn't know we'd be ovulating, but discovered about halfway through the weekend that we were. Yea! except now, I'm psychotically aware of every ache and pain my body is making and secretly holding my breath that day 28 will come and go, so will day 35 and then there will be two pink lines on a stick all the while trying to play it cool and be excited that even if we're not preggers, that this means my body is finally getting back to normal.
~We went camping last weekend and I skipped the 4.5 mile hike as, according to all the "literature" that was the time that our little egg/sperm combo would have implanted...so, we agreed that avoiding the activity might be best. I'm 50% sure that I'll feel pretty silly about that decision in 2 weeks, but it was nice to have 2 and a half hours to myself outside in the great weather. Thanks do Danielle (holla!), however, I feel free to be as silly as I want to about these types of decisions - as long as I'm comfortable :)
~This does mean, however, that poor Demetri is doing some extra heavy lifting...he helped hang new curtains, change the sheets and schelped all the laundry upstairs. It's hard consciously making a choice to not do the things you know you'd normally be capable of doing in hopes of increasing your chances of the combo sticking. I'd dare to say it's humbling.
So - I belive that's the latest and greatest...I'll be sure to let you know how the next 7 days works out.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friends
My my, has it really been this long since I've updated my faithful few? apparently time flies when you're on the pill again.
yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.
Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.
In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.
But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?
I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!
yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.
Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.
In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.
But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?
I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!
Monday, August 4, 2008
The accuracy of home tests
Apparently, they're pretty right on and all my wishful thinking couldn't get one line to turn into two...
My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.
I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.
I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.
They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!
Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!
Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.
My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.
I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.
I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.
They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!
Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!
Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.
Friday, August 1, 2008
One stupid pink line
Only one stupid pink line on the test this morning - so back to the blood test. Having it drawn today, so we'll have to wait a few more days.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I hate tardiness
Hello stalkers - just a note to let you all know that I am 7 days late and the test I took on Thursday was negative. So, we're going to wait until Friday, and if I haven't started, we'll take another test. Friday is also Demetri's birthday, so we're keeping our fingers crossed for some happy birthday news!
As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.
As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.
Monday, July 21, 2008
1 step forward...
As an update to my last post, things are not apparently progressing as well as I had hoped.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So, what's new?
Faithful Stalkers - thanks for checking back with me :) I hadn't realized it had been almost a month since my last post - my apologies...quite a bit has happened, so I won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know the whole story, just ask...
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
So I still feel like a cow...this period isn't providing the relief I thought it would. So, that's discouraging.
I've decided to ask Victoria about medication. She's mentioned the last two times we chatted that perhaps that's what I need. Apparently whatever it is I'm saying to her is very clearly depression...fabulous.
The reason for such intermittent blogging, both here and on the "normal" site, is the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. I can't multi-task like I used to, and in fact, I have a hard time single-tasking really. Even now...don't know how to finish this thought.
I think this stems from the fact that I have so much going on in my head, that it's too much to simplify to write down. So as it turns out, I end up not writing anything down because it's too hard to think about doing. And, when I'm really in the midst of a meltdown (like yesterday) that's probably the best time to blog, but there's no way I'd sit still long enough to do it. Now, one day post meltdown, I can't remember what the meltdown was about that just seemed to paralyze me.
I told Demetri the other day that I was in a staring contest with God. Here's how that conversation went:
D: "You're in a staring contest with God?"
S: "Yes...and I'm just stubborn enough to win it."
D: "You're in a staring contest with the Creator of the Universe and you think you're going to win?"
S: "Yes"
He chuckles....So yesterday, in the midst of the meltdown, he asks if I think I'm broken yet...funny...broken yet? when was the last time I was whole?
The thought I keep having is that I can't do this. I can't keep living like this...I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this...what if I don't ever get better. And the thing I know I should do is pray about it (which even when you write that phrase out it makes it sound so simple) but I truly don't know how. Am I just supposed to bow my head and ask God to take it away...like it's asking Him to borrow $5? And then, once I ask, what happens next...what do I do next...can I just get up and have ice cream and watch TV? Is is okay to pick up and go back to my life after that or should it be an "ask" that requires an evening of devotion or solitude? I'm afraid that I've analyzed this so much that I can't back up from it and see it for how simple it really is. And when I do ask, beg really, that this be taken from me and I feel better, does God miraculously change my heart? Will I wake up one day and be a whole human being again?
As a disclaimer, I know all the answers to these questions. I was raised on the answers to these questions. I've told people in similar situations to do just this because God is faithful and he hears us. But now it's my turn in the hot seat and I can't do it. Truly. I'm so close to doing it...so close to blurting it all out in His direction (which may be the reason for the staring contest) but there's something that stops me...something that keeps my mouth from saying the words and letting it go. I'm not trying to fix myself, which is a step, but instead, I'm stuck here in the middle of this train wreck and can't take the first step to get out of it.
Maybe I don't want to be whole again. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to feel better because in some way that means I've moved on from my kid. Maybe that's an issue for my shrink.
I've decided to ask Victoria about medication. She's mentioned the last two times we chatted that perhaps that's what I need. Apparently whatever it is I'm saying to her is very clearly depression...fabulous.
The reason for such intermittent blogging, both here and on the "normal" site, is the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. I can't multi-task like I used to, and in fact, I have a hard time single-tasking really. Even now...don't know how to finish this thought.
I think this stems from the fact that I have so much going on in my head, that it's too much to simplify to write down. So as it turns out, I end up not writing anything down because it's too hard to think about doing. And, when I'm really in the midst of a meltdown (like yesterday) that's probably the best time to blog, but there's no way I'd sit still long enough to do it. Now, one day post meltdown, I can't remember what the meltdown was about that just seemed to paralyze me.
I told Demetri the other day that I was in a staring contest with God. Here's how that conversation went:
D: "You're in a staring contest with God?"
S: "Yes...and I'm just stubborn enough to win it."
D: "You're in a staring contest with the Creator of the Universe and you think you're going to win?"
S: "Yes"
He chuckles....So yesterday, in the midst of the meltdown, he asks if I think I'm broken yet...funny...broken yet? when was the last time I was whole?
The thought I keep having is that I can't do this. I can't keep living like this...I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this...what if I don't ever get better. And the thing I know I should do is pray about it (which even when you write that phrase out it makes it sound so simple) but I truly don't know how. Am I just supposed to bow my head and ask God to take it away...like it's asking Him to borrow $5? And then, once I ask, what happens next...what do I do next...can I just get up and have ice cream and watch TV? Is is okay to pick up and go back to my life after that or should it be an "ask" that requires an evening of devotion or solitude? I'm afraid that I've analyzed this so much that I can't back up from it and see it for how simple it really is. And when I do ask, beg really, that this be taken from me and I feel better, does God miraculously change my heart? Will I wake up one day and be a whole human being again?
As a disclaimer, I know all the answers to these questions. I was raised on the answers to these questions. I've told people in similar situations to do just this because God is faithful and he hears us. But now it's my turn in the hot seat and I can't do it. Truly. I'm so close to doing it...so close to blurting it all out in His direction (which may be the reason for the staring contest) but there's something that stops me...something that keeps my mouth from saying the words and letting it go. I'm not trying to fix myself, which is a step, but instead, I'm stuck here in the middle of this train wreck and can't take the first step to get out of it.
Maybe I don't want to be whole again. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to feel better because in some way that means I've moved on from my kid. Maybe that's an issue for my shrink.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Day 9+7
For all of you following the madness, I'm happy to report that after a few days of nasty spotting, I started an actual period yesterday.
I am now wondering why I was so anxious to have it come in the first place!? Hmmm....
I keep trying to remind myself that when this is over, I will feel better...Today I feel like a cow :)
I am now wondering why I was so anxious to have it come in the first place!? Hmmm....
I keep trying to remind myself that when this is over, I will feel better...Today I feel like a cow :)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Day 9
Today is day 9 of the 10 days of Provera...so, if we're lucky, we'll be feeling better by Wednesday.
But, until then, we're still a mess...and by we I mean I.
I don't know how many of you know this about me, but I'm pretty stubborn...especially if I know/think I can do something by myself, or even if I think I should be able to do something by myself. Hence, I've been really stubborn lately...I can cope with this...I can continue to work really hard at work...I can continue to serve at Crossroads...I can still participate at small group...I can be around pregnant people...
All false
As it turns out that's not the case and my stubborness is keeping me from accepting help...I have no problem asking for it, but the problem seems to occur once I leave Victoria's office, or once I get off the phone with my mom, or once I leave church. Once I leave, I don't ever actually practice what's been suggested. Examples (paraphrased):
Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to work on the sarcasm
Me: Yea, I know
But what happens? See anyone of these posts..
Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to confess to God that you need His help and comfort
Me: Yea, I know
Does this happen? no. but this doesn't happen because I don't want to, it doesn't happen because I don't know how to say it and mean it. I don't want it to be a conversation that I have in the car, but I know it doesn't have to be some huge ceremonious conversation. So, I continue with the status quo and continue to slowly lose my mind.
We went to big church for the first time in a while today and it was really refresing...we went for the commissioning of the Richmond Church Plant but I found, especially during worship, that there were themes for me...stubborness flareup...I get the knocking and am too stubborn to take the step and answer.
But, until then, we're still a mess...and by we I mean I.
I don't know how many of you know this about me, but I'm pretty stubborn...especially if I know/think I can do something by myself, or even if I think I should be able to do something by myself. Hence, I've been really stubborn lately...I can cope with this...I can continue to work really hard at work...I can continue to serve at Crossroads...I can still participate at small group...I can be around pregnant people...
All false
As it turns out that's not the case and my stubborness is keeping me from accepting help...I have no problem asking for it, but the problem seems to occur once I leave Victoria's office, or once I get off the phone with my mom, or once I leave church. Once I leave, I don't ever actually practice what's been suggested. Examples (paraphrased):
Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to work on the sarcasm
Me: Yea, I know
But what happens? See anyone of these posts..
Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to confess to God that you need His help and comfort
Me: Yea, I know
Does this happen? no. but this doesn't happen because I don't want to, it doesn't happen because I don't know how to say it and mean it. I don't want it to be a conversation that I have in the car, but I know it doesn't have to be some huge ceremonious conversation. So, I continue with the status quo and continue to slowly lose my mind.
We went to big church for the first time in a while today and it was really refresing...we went for the commissioning of the Richmond Church Plant but I found, especially during worship, that there were themes for me...stubborness flareup...I get the knocking and am too stubborn to take the step and answer.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
No baby this time
I peed on another stick on Saturday and confirmed that we were not, in fact, preggers this time. So, I began taking the Provera the doctor prescribed for me, so hopefully in 10 days or so, we'll be having a period! Shout out to the circle of life!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Still no period
wow - I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update...not my last rant and rave, mind you, but the last time I updated the faithful few on it :)
As you can tell from the heading, we are currently at the 2 month marker (today) of the "incident" and I still haven't had a period. This causes drama for several reasons. First, I'm basically hormonally miserable all the time. The combination of raging post-pregnancy hormones, grief that sneaks up on you and other internal issues that may or may not be related to PMS are enough to make a woman lose her mind. And I'm close to losing it, I can assure you.
Second, I have what feels like constant PMS...bloating, irritability, wierd sleep patterns, etc. Pants that fit before the "incident" no longer fit. There are days when I'm ravenous, and days when I'm not hungry at all. Some nights I sleep like the dead and others I'm awake everytime I roll over...discouraging.
Third - I fear that I may not have timed my ovulating days correctly and may in fact be pregnant again. This scenario will spawn what is sure to be the meltdown of all meltdowns...
I've been seeing Victoria for about a month now and words cannot express how glad I am that I called her. She's helped me see this from a different perspective. She did, however, mention this last time that I may actually be experiencing more than just grief, that it may be diagnosable depression. Fun.
About two weeks ago, I asked a friend that I work with (who is a nurse...) what she thought about my current situation. After she hugged me (!) she asked if she could pray for me (!) and then confirmed what we were planning to do. Here's the plan: I'm going to take another pregnancy test tomorrow, just to confirm that the one that was negative last weekend was correct, then try to see the doctor next week to fill them in on the drama.
If the test is still negative, I'm going to ask the doctor for some drugs (legal, I can assure you) to bring a period on - it's odd...normally, no one goes searching for these things :). Then we'll start over again. If the test is positive, we're still going to try and see the doctor to see if they can tell how "normal" the pregnancy is...oiy!
As you can tell from the heading, we are currently at the 2 month marker (today) of the "incident" and I still haven't had a period. This causes drama for several reasons. First, I'm basically hormonally miserable all the time. The combination of raging post-pregnancy hormones, grief that sneaks up on you and other internal issues that may or may not be related to PMS are enough to make a woman lose her mind. And I'm close to losing it, I can assure you.
Second, I have what feels like constant PMS...bloating, irritability, wierd sleep patterns, etc. Pants that fit before the "incident" no longer fit. There are days when I'm ravenous, and days when I'm not hungry at all. Some nights I sleep like the dead and others I'm awake everytime I roll over...discouraging.
Third - I fear that I may not have timed my ovulating days correctly and may in fact be pregnant again. This scenario will spawn what is sure to be the meltdown of all meltdowns...
I've been seeing Victoria for about a month now and words cannot express how glad I am that I called her. She's helped me see this from a different perspective. She did, however, mention this last time that I may actually be experiencing more than just grief, that it may be diagnosable depression. Fun.
About two weeks ago, I asked a friend that I work with (who is a nurse...) what she thought about my current situation. After she hugged me (!) she asked if she could pray for me (!) and then confirmed what we were planning to do. Here's the plan: I'm going to take another pregnancy test tomorrow, just to confirm that the one that was negative last weekend was correct, then try to see the doctor next week to fill them in on the drama.
If the test is still negative, I'm going to ask the doctor for some drugs (legal, I can assure you) to bring a period on - it's odd...normally, no one goes searching for these things :). Then we'll start over again. If the test is positive, we're still going to try and see the doctor to see if they can tell how "normal" the pregnancy is...oiy!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Make up
I've been thinking recently that it's about time I get over planning the "ideal" make-up conversation with God. So, on my way home on Friday, I started spitting out nonsense to Him. It didn't come out how I had it played in my mind, but the basic conversation was this - I hate that this happened, and I know You didn't do this on purpose, but there was no one else to blame and I wanted to be angry. But, I also know that I hate feeling this way, so, here's the deal - I'm down with Your plan...and we can make up now...or something along those lines.
Earlier in the day, Taegan shared these song lyrics with me...and I kind of skimmed over them, since I didn't recognize the song. On Friday evening, she gave me the song to listen to...I had two reactions...the first was she's paying rent now :) and the second was how come I couldn't think of this to say?! Here are the lyrics...and here's where you can hear the song..
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something HeavenlySomething Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Earlier in the day, Taegan shared these song lyrics with me...and I kind of skimmed over them, since I didn't recognize the song. On Friday evening, she gave me the song to listen to...I had two reactions...the first was she's paying rent now :) and the second was how come I couldn't think of this to say?! Here are the lyrics...and here's where you can hear the song..
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something HeavenlySomething Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Mother's Day Weekend
A quick note to say that I survived Mother’s day relatively unscathed. The only time I came a bit unglued was during our Sunday Morning show, when they had a little commentary piece about the song “Baby mine, don’t you cry.” Also, no one said anything inappropriate, or really even brought it up, so that’s helpful.
Friday and Sunday I felt like I may have been having cramps, but nothing yet, so that’s a little discouraging. I think that this week might be “the week” so I’m ready…really ready, actually, to get this one over with…never thought I’d be this excited to have a period before. It did cross my mind, however, that maybe I was a little to casual with my BBT and cervical mucus watch and that maybe I’m not having a period yet because we’re accidentally pregnant again…I don’t think it’s true, and I hesitate even saying it outloud, but I had to get it off my mind.
I am re-believing that prayer works, because this weekend with Demetri’s family was one of the nicest we’ve had thus far. So, my over anxiety and planning for the worst philosophy worked…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be J I do realize, though, that there’s no way I got through this weekend, or this month even, without being prayed for, so whoever you are, where ever you are, I’m grateful.
Friday and Sunday I felt like I may have been having cramps, but nothing yet, so that’s a little discouraging. I think that this week might be “the week” so I’m ready…really ready, actually, to get this one over with…never thought I’d be this excited to have a period before. It did cross my mind, however, that maybe I was a little to casual with my BBT and cervical mucus watch and that maybe I’m not having a period yet because we’re accidentally pregnant again…I don’t think it’s true, and I hesitate even saying it outloud, but I had to get it off my mind.
I am re-believing that prayer works, because this weekend with Demetri’s family was one of the nicest we’ve had thus far. So, my over anxiety and planning for the worst philosophy worked…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be J I do realize, though, that there’s no way I got through this weekend, or this month even, without being prayed for, so whoever you are, where ever you are, I’m grateful.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Coming up...
This particular post is going to be a little science experiment. Were getting ready to go to Fort Worth this weekend to spend some time with Demetri's family and I'm having some pretty serious angst with it. So, I'm going to try and write them all out and see if that helps me feel better.
Given the debacle that was Thanksgiving, any event that involves time with Demetri's mother causes legitimate anxiety in my chest. Not the normal "oh, I have to go spend time with my in-laws" kind of anxiety, but real, honest to goodness "what will she do this time" anxiety. There are so many unknowns that surround time with her that the control freak in me panics because I can't know how to prepare for what she'll do, what she'll say, what's going to happen when she pitches a fit, or, in the case of Thanksgiving, chokes on something.
It's quite un-nerving...even to the point where the last few days have been pretty tense between Demetri and I. He's seems so calm about it all, but I just know that when we get there, she'll antagonize him for a few hours, he'll snap at her, she'll cry and he'll disengage for a while - I don't blame him for that because he puts up with her for longer than I would - but the time that he's disengaged means that she turns my way and then I panic. I panic because I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to hold the same line that Demetri would, but it's like when you get a dog and you've never had a dog before...you're just clueless on how to handle things. My only hope lies in YiaYia. Demetri's Grandmother is going to meet us there, so I can only hope that his mother will cooperate a little better with her mother around to snap her back into acting right.
Here is the other reason I am not feeling so hot about this weekend. It's Mother's Day. I have a Mother, I love my Mother, but I am not a Mother anymore. Who knows, it may come and go and I will be surprisingly okay with it. Or, it will come, I will feel like crap, and instead of being able to stay in bed all day and pretend it's any normal Sunday, I will have to go and celebrate the day with my Mother-in-law, my Grandmother-in-law, and Maria Christina's Mother-in-law. I'm bracing for whatever Demetri's mother may say in an attempt to try and make me feel better but will actually come out horribly wrong and for any looks of pathetic sympathy that may come our direction...this just sucks.
I will try and focus on the fact that my own mother will be coming on the 17th and that when we are watching TV at my house, I will lay my head in her lap and she'll pet my head.
Given the debacle that was Thanksgiving, any event that involves time with Demetri's mother causes legitimate anxiety in my chest. Not the normal "oh, I have to go spend time with my in-laws" kind of anxiety, but real, honest to goodness "what will she do this time" anxiety. There are so many unknowns that surround time with her that the control freak in me panics because I can't know how to prepare for what she'll do, what she'll say, what's going to happen when she pitches a fit, or, in the case of Thanksgiving, chokes on something.
It's quite un-nerving...even to the point where the last few days have been pretty tense between Demetri and I. He's seems so calm about it all, but I just know that when we get there, she'll antagonize him for a few hours, he'll snap at her, she'll cry and he'll disengage for a while - I don't blame him for that because he puts up with her for longer than I would - but the time that he's disengaged means that she turns my way and then I panic. I panic because I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to hold the same line that Demetri would, but it's like when you get a dog and you've never had a dog before...you're just clueless on how to handle things. My only hope lies in YiaYia. Demetri's Grandmother is going to meet us there, so I can only hope that his mother will cooperate a little better with her mother around to snap her back into acting right.
Here is the other reason I am not feeling so hot about this weekend. It's Mother's Day. I have a Mother, I love my Mother, but I am not a Mother anymore. Who knows, it may come and go and I will be surprisingly okay with it. Or, it will come, I will feel like crap, and instead of being able to stay in bed all day and pretend it's any normal Sunday, I will have to go and celebrate the day with my Mother-in-law, my Grandmother-in-law, and Maria Christina's Mother-in-law. I'm bracing for whatever Demetri's mother may say in an attempt to try and make me feel better but will actually come out horribly wrong and for any looks of pathetic sympathy that may come our direction...this just sucks.
I will try and focus on the fact that my own mother will be coming on the 17th and that when we are watching TV at my house, I will lay my head in her lap and she'll pet my head.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
An update for the faithful following
I want you to know that if you know me/us and are reading this blog, I don't know about it - except for you Danielle :) I didn't tell anyone about it, so if you've found this by accident or by snooping - HI!
Not much to report in the grief department...i think it's because I'm avoiding it. I've managed to completely pack the next 2 weeks or so, so I don't really have to think about it.
~Friday we're leaving for Texas to spend the weekend with the inlaws...enough said
~We get back on Monday and then Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be in Gaithersburg for a work retreat
~Thursday is the pre-meeting for Relay For Life (our smallgroup is doing this as a service project/outreach)
~Friday is the Relay for Life
~Saturday morning my parents are coming into town for the weekend - they leave Monday
So, it's probably a good thing that Demetri and I are scheduled to meet with Victoria (together) on Tuesday :)
Not much to report in the grief department...i think it's because I'm avoiding it. I've managed to completely pack the next 2 weeks or so, so I don't really have to think about it.
~Friday we're leaving for Texas to spend the weekend with the inlaws...enough said
~We get back on Monday and then Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be in Gaithersburg for a work retreat
~Thursday is the pre-meeting for Relay For Life (our smallgroup is doing this as a service project/outreach)
~Friday is the Relay for Life
~Saturday morning my parents are coming into town for the weekend - they leave Monday
So, it's probably a good thing that Demetri and I are scheduled to meet with Victoria (together) on Tuesday :)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
1 month down
Today marks one month since our little incident. I can't help but think about what it would be like to be 11 or so weeks pregnant. How bad would my boobs be hurting now? Would I still fit into my clothes? I try not to dwell, but still, I think these things.
I made myself do two things this last week to attempt to move on. I left a "we're so excited for you" note on my friends desk (the friend who started telling people last week that they were pregnant) and Demetri and I went and bought a little boy outfit for our friends who are having their shower on Saturday. I'm not going, but a friend is bringing the gift for me.
To help in the "control" department, I've started charting my basal body temperature. It's been helpful in that it has allowed me/us to feel like we are "still in the game" as well as determine the days I'm ovulating, since we're trying to avoid those days this month. I still haven't had a period yet, so I have no idea how many days my cycle is going to be...hence, BBT.
I purchased an old Hoosier Cabinet last weekend...I need a project to distract me. So, I began the refurbishing process...when I remember I'll post photos on the other blog.
All in all, I'm surviving...we're surviving
I made myself do two things this last week to attempt to move on. I left a "we're so excited for you" note on my friends desk (the friend who started telling people last week that they were pregnant) and Demetri and I went and bought a little boy outfit for our friends who are having their shower on Saturday. I'm not going, but a friend is bringing the gift for me.
To help in the "control" department, I've started charting my basal body temperature. It's been helpful in that it has allowed me/us to feel like we are "still in the game" as well as determine the days I'm ovulating, since we're trying to avoid those days this month. I still haven't had a period yet, so I have no idea how many days my cycle is going to be...hence, BBT.
I purchased an old Hoosier Cabinet last weekend...I need a project to distract me. So, I began the refurbishing process...when I remember I'll post photos on the other blog.
All in all, I'm surviving...we're surviving
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Staring at Him.
I had my first appointment with Victoria yesterday...and apparently I'm clearly in need of such help that I'm scheduled to go back next friday :) While it's hard for me to remember the exact conversation we had that hour, here are some of the high points.
~She, and her daughter, both miscarried. This tells me two things. The first is that people really do get pregnant and have healthy kids after a miscarriage. The second is that I'm not going to have to explain every thing or every thought to her, because she knew every thought that has been going through my head for the last month and I didn't even have to say it out loud.
~She's good at her job, because in the first five minutes she had it figured out that "I have a plan"
~She spent quite a bit of our time together reminding me that God did not do this to me...nor did he allow this to happen because he is cruel. She reminded me that we live in a fallen world and because of this, things like miscarriages happen because Satan is just roaming around, trying to find instances where he can use our circumstances to hurt us.
~God is love. And as such, perhaps it was because of his love for me and for my child that he knew that Gus' time on earth would be so full of suffering that he took him home early.
~I will eventually get to see my child.
~What is happening to me is grief and I need to give myself permission to grieve...to become more transparent about what's going on with me to those around me such that they can provide support and that I'm not making this harder on myself by trying to deny what's happening.
~The times when grief shows up unexpectedly and at the most inopportune moments is normal...so are the times when it's prompted by something and almost incapacitating.
~Because I am SO Type-A, I have a hard time letting what my heart feels override what my mind knows
I have spent most of the last few weeks being very bitter and, having no one here to direct it towards, I just directed it upwards. So being reminded by Victoria that in spite of my bitterness, I am still loved and God wants to comfort me...but joked that that could happen when we were back on speaking terms. My dad reminded me that sometimes, God wants us to yell at him when we're angy with him, because when you do that, you're staring right at Him...and that's exactly where He wants you to be. Because it will be at that moment when He reaches out and puts His arm around you and draws you near.
I know that the last three days have been divine intervention and I know that my time with Victoria was time with God, and now I have to get over my own selfish, stubborn ways and let go.
~She, and her daughter, both miscarried. This tells me two things. The first is that people really do get pregnant and have healthy kids after a miscarriage. The second is that I'm not going to have to explain every thing or every thought to her, because she knew every thought that has been going through my head for the last month and I didn't even have to say it out loud.
~She's good at her job, because in the first five minutes she had it figured out that "I have a plan"
~She spent quite a bit of our time together reminding me that God did not do this to me...nor did he allow this to happen because he is cruel. She reminded me that we live in a fallen world and because of this, things like miscarriages happen because Satan is just roaming around, trying to find instances where he can use our circumstances to hurt us.
~God is love. And as such, perhaps it was because of his love for me and for my child that he knew that Gus' time on earth would be so full of suffering that he took him home early.
~I will eventually get to see my child.
~What is happening to me is grief and I need to give myself permission to grieve...to become more transparent about what's going on with me to those around me such that they can provide support and that I'm not making this harder on myself by trying to deny what's happening.
~The times when grief shows up unexpectedly and at the most inopportune moments is normal...so are the times when it's prompted by something and almost incapacitating.
~Because I am SO Type-A, I have a hard time letting what my heart feels override what my mind knows
I have spent most of the last few weeks being very bitter and, having no one here to direct it towards, I just directed it upwards. So being reminded by Victoria that in spite of my bitterness, I am still loved and God wants to comfort me...but joked that that could happen when we were back on speaking terms. My dad reminded me that sometimes, God wants us to yell at him when we're angy with him, because when you do that, you're staring right at Him...and that's exactly where He wants you to be. Because it will be at that moment when He reaches out and puts His arm around you and draws you near.
I know that the last three days have been divine intervention and I know that my time with Victoria was time with God, and now I have to get over my own selfish, stubborn ways and let go.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I think Jesus is still speaking to me
When you hear over and over again that your miscarriage wasn't your fault, and nothing you did caused it, that doesn't leave a whole lot of people to direct the inevitable anger towards, so naturally, I am aming mine upward.
Despite our current non-speaking relationship, I am pretty sure Jesus still loves me. Here's how I know. First, I had yet another meltdown last night (everyone's life is moving on and I'm stuck in "this", I can't be happy for our friends, yadda, yadda, yadda) and wondered if I could/should go to work today. Well, because I'm a good little worker bee, I went, but was only there until about 1:00 when my boss came in and told me to go home and, if I needed to, cancel my work plans for tomorrow.
Second, I was driving home from work and called the counselors office that Taegan recommended and the lady couldn't have been more plesant. She asked how early I wanted to come in, because Victoria had times tomorrow at 3, 4 and 5....um I'll take 5 please, thanks.
Despite our current non-speaking relationship, I am pretty sure Jesus still loves me. Here's how I know. First, I had yet another meltdown last night (everyone's life is moving on and I'm stuck in "this", I can't be happy for our friends, yadda, yadda, yadda) and wondered if I could/should go to work today. Well, because I'm a good little worker bee, I went, but was only there until about 1:00 when my boss came in and told me to go home and, if I needed to, cancel my work plans for tomorrow.
Second, I was driving home from work and called the counselors office that Taegan recommended and the lady couldn't have been more plesant. She asked how early I wanted to come in, because Victoria had times tomorrow at 3, 4 and 5....um I'll take 5 please, thanks.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lied about Accepting
It's becoming more and more apparent that my previous post was a lie and that I am not, in fact, moving into acceptance...still bitter and pissed off.
Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off
Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless
Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.
and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.
Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off
Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless
Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.
and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Two Cards
Since my last update, I'm happy to report that I might be moving into the acceptance phase. The human soul is an interesting and complicated thing.
And, it's because I moved into the acceptance phase that I can report the following incident clearly and without sobbing.
Friends of ours who live in Oklahoma (and therefore were not included in my "but people I know don't have miscarriages" statement) tried for a very long time to get pregnant. After over a year of trying, they're having a bouncing baby in July! I shared with her my recent debacle...not sure why, but I was thinking of her and her faithfulness and just wanted to let her know what was happening with us. Yesterday we received the nicest encouragement card from them in the mail. I was grateful she was checking up on us.
The next card in the pile was from one of Demetri's relatives. I could tell by the stickers on the front of the envelope that perhaps Demetri's mother didn't get to this particular individual when she was sharing the not-pregnant news. And, as I suspected, the card was addressed to the "Proud new parents-to-be." It was hard to be upset, since I know she didn't mean it...and when Demetri calls to tell her we're not preggers anymore, she'll just be mortified! But, it was an interesting mail call just the same.
And, it's because I moved into the acceptance phase that I can report the following incident clearly and without sobbing.
Friends of ours who live in Oklahoma (and therefore were not included in my "but people I know don't have miscarriages" statement) tried for a very long time to get pregnant. After over a year of trying, they're having a bouncing baby in July! I shared with her my recent debacle...not sure why, but I was thinking of her and her faithfulness and just wanted to let her know what was happening with us. Yesterday we received the nicest encouragement card from them in the mail. I was grateful she was checking up on us.
The next card in the pile was from one of Demetri's relatives. I could tell by the stickers on the front of the envelope that perhaps Demetri's mother didn't get to this particular individual when she was sharing the not-pregnant news. And, as I suspected, the card was addressed to the "Proud new parents-to-be." It was hard to be upset, since I know she didn't mean it...and when Demetri calls to tell her we're not preggers anymore, she'll just be mortified! But, it was an interesting mail call just the same.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Good Grief
As an adult, I don't remember the last time I experienced grief...or at least experienced grief so large that forces you to mourn. So, this last week has been an eye opener for me. There really are phases to grief!
In addition to the list below, I'd like to add rage and bitterness - "If one more person reminds me that this just means the baby wasn't progressing normally, I'll scream!"
Denial -
"I'm not really having a miscarriage...no one in my family has miscarriages"
"I'm 29 and healthy...there's no way this is what's happening"
Anger -
In the doctor's office hearing some other woman fill out her paperwork:
Her: "My due date is November 20th"
Me: Bitch
Bargaining -
"God - It doesn't matter to me how this baby comes out...you know I'd love it anyway!"
Depression -
"My parents were so happy when we told them, and it crushed me to have to call and tell them. I wanted to apologize for what was happening"
Acceptance -
Stay tuned
In addition to the list below, I'd like to add rage and bitterness - "If one more person reminds me that this just means the baby wasn't progressing normally, I'll scream!"
Denial -
"I'm not really having a miscarriage...no one in my family has miscarriages"
"I'm 29 and healthy...there's no way this is what's happening"
Anger -
In the doctor's office hearing some other woman fill out her paperwork:
Her: "My due date is November 20th"
Me: Bitch
Bargaining -
"God - It doesn't matter to me how this baby comes out...you know I'd love it anyway!"
Depression -
"My parents were so happy when we told them, and it crushed me to have to call and tell them. I wanted to apologize for what was happening"
Acceptance -
Stay tuned
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Basketball Team and the Heroin Addict
Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Sweeney's office (ultrasound man) to see how I was "progressing." I decided I could be brave and go by myself, which was fine until I was in the waiting room and another couple were there filling out there first time visit paperwork (outloud practically) and announced to the room that her due date was November 20th. B*tch.
I made it back to the exam room and the tech wanted to double check with Dr. Sweeney on whether or not he really wanted a scan or just a blood draw. After about 15 minutes, she came back to say no scan, just blood work. So out I went to the lab tech, who, by the way the son of Dr. Sweeney...
On Monday when I was there, he was trying to make casual conversation while he's sticking me (left arm), so he says "So, basketball team or less?" Huh? He clarifies "are you trying to have enough for a basketball team, or just one or two?" First, I'm in your office with no noticeable belly and no mascara either because I've cried it all off and you're asking me how many kids I want? Right now, I'd settle for just one! Second, who actually tries for that many kids?! So, I respond "oh, maybe two or three, but right now I'm just concerned with getting the first one"
On Wednesday, I'm back. I roll up the sleeve (left arm) and he's making more appropriate idle chatter. When I ask which arm he wants, he says "Same as last time. I'm going to try and hit the same spot so you don't look like a heroin addict." Huh?
Well, he did something wrong this time because my elbow crease is PURPLE! Then I found out from my OB that I have to come in and have my blood re-drawn by them so it can be typed to determine if I need to have Rogam...something about fetal cells in my blood stream that may affect future pregnancies. Right arm, thank you very much!
The fun just keeps coming!
I made it back to the exam room and the tech wanted to double check with Dr. Sweeney on whether or not he really wanted a scan or just a blood draw. After about 15 minutes, she came back to say no scan, just blood work. So out I went to the lab tech, who, by the way the son of Dr. Sweeney...
On Monday when I was there, he was trying to make casual conversation while he's sticking me (left arm), so he says "So, basketball team or less?" Huh? He clarifies "are you trying to have enough for a basketball team, or just one or two?" First, I'm in your office with no noticeable belly and no mascara either because I've cried it all off and you're asking me how many kids I want? Right now, I'd settle for just one! Second, who actually tries for that many kids?! So, I respond "oh, maybe two or three, but right now I'm just concerned with getting the first one"
On Wednesday, I'm back. I roll up the sleeve (left arm) and he's making more appropriate idle chatter. When I ask which arm he wants, he says "Same as last time. I'm going to try and hit the same spot so you don't look like a heroin addict." Huh?
Well, he did something wrong this time because my elbow crease is PURPLE! Then I found out from my OB that I have to come in and have my blood re-drawn by them so it can be typed to determine if I need to have Rogam...something about fetal cells in my blood stream that may affect future pregnancies. Right arm, thank you very much!
The fun just keeps coming!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A Bunny and Raggedy Ann
When we were in NY with my parents (after the big Reveal!), my Mom wanted Gus' first "thing" to be from NYC. We looked for a baby blanket, but couldn't find one we liked. So, she picked up a white bunny for our easter basket instead - which was a surprise. This bunny sat on the kitchen table all week and yesterday, when I decided we probably weren't getting good news at the doctors office, I started to put all the "baby" things away. I went to pick up the bunny and found that I couldn't put it down. Instead, I stood there staring at it SOBBING! This was my child's first thing...my child I wasn't going to have! So, the bunny sat with me on the couch most of the day, and my mom said that wasn't wierd :) For the time being, the bunny is going to live in the living room with us.
Several hundred miles away, my mom was getting a knock on her door from a neighbor that she's not really close with, but knows casually. This neighbor presented my mom with a Raggedy Ann doll (I had one when I was a baby), saying that she was thinking about her when she saw it and decided to get it for her. Raggedy Ann is keeping Grandma and Grandpa company in their kitchen as we speak.
Several hundred miles away, my mom was getting a knock on her door from a neighbor that she's not really close with, but knows casually. This neighbor presented my mom with a Raggedy Ann doll (I had one when I was a baby), saying that she was thinking about her when she saw it and decided to get it for her. Raggedy Ann is keeping Grandma and Grandpa company in their kitchen as we speak.
Monday, March 31, 2008
A Setback
Ever since we found out we were pregnant, I've had some minor brown spotting (hey, you knew this was going to be a pregancy blog...don't be shocked) both on the liners I was wearing and on the toilet paper. Well, anyone that knows anything about pregnancy knows that anything other than clear on either of those places is just bad. So, even after the nurse called to say it was positive, I called my friend Kristen, who is a PA at an OB/GYN office, to describe the situation. She said it sounded normal, and my research indicated that a little color is not necessarily bad.
The spotting continued, as did the aches and pains in my lower abdomen. I did a little research and found that "all bodies are different" (yadda yadda yadda) and that some women feel this. It's "normal." I was 10 days from my first appointment and just couldn't stand the worrying anymore, so I called the doctor's office and the nurse practitioner said that it sounded normal, but what I should be worried about is anything that feels like period cramps and heavy bleeding like a period. I hadn't had a period since Feb 4th, so it's been a while...not that you forget what cramps feel like, but after a while, all the aches and pains run together.
Turns out, I didn't have to wait very long to be reminded...the very next day (Saturday), I woke up and was making breakfast and my belly really ached...I just assumed it was a "growing pain." (Anything that goes from a sesame seed (5 weeks) to a BB gun pellet (6 weeks) has to cause some discomfort, right?) And then I went to the bathroom. What greeted me on the toilet paper was bright red. Instantly sobbing.
That's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went...more aching, more bright red...then on Sunday afternoon I finally called my mom to tell her what was happening (I believe my exact words were "I don't think I'm pregnant anymore"). She encouraged/instructed me to call the on-call OB, which I did and I was told to lay low and stay in and not to go out if I don't have to. Demetri interpreted that as "keep your butt on this couch except when you have to pee." Fun for the first 3 hours...then it gets old. In addition to laying low, I was instructed to call the physician on Monday (today) and be seen and have blood work done. Demetri was trying to be upbeat, but I knew and at times I'm pretty sure I was inconsolable.
During the night, I was woken up by the most intense pain I've ever felt (to date) in my belly. I actually got up and sat in the shower with the hot water on my belly for some relief...which eventually translated into a heating pad on my belly, then on my back after that didn't work, just to rest. Finally, I made it back to sleep, but wasn't surprised when the 1/2 dollar size clot showed up when I got up to pee this morning.
I assumed the position on the couch and waited for 8 when I could call the doctor. After a few calls back and forth, she informed me I had an appointment with Dr. Sweeny, a specialist in maternal fetal medicine, for an ultrasound. Fantastic. I'm already to the point where there just going to check and see if it's empty?! Demetri had gone to work and I was going to call him and let him know what the deal was. Then he called to say he was on his way home to come with me to the appointment (I'm telling you, the best EVER!)
Appointment time: Demetri and I in the exam room with my belly covered in goo...she sees my uterus and right ovary (the left one was a little camera shy I guess) and goes out to get the doctor. He comes in and does some scanning of his own and then says there's a spot he wants to look at a little closer, would I mind if he did a trans-vaginal ultrasound...would I mind? Did I have a choice?! Demetri is still in the room when I'm instructed to undress from the waist down and put my feet in the stirrups. Again, still in the room when the tech puts a condom-like piece of plastic on the probe and pops that sucker in there...priceless, I'm telling you, priceless!
What the Doctor sees is the "remants" of a pregnancy...a few dark spots on the monitor that obviously don't resemble a 7-week pregnancy...no shocker there. But, he does want to make sure that it's coming out now as it should, so I had some blood drawn to find a baseline for my hormones, and am instructed to come back for round 2 on Wednesday...can't wait.
At any rate, that's our story for now. I'll have to change the title of this little rambling of mine/ours...but I haven't thought of anything witty or sarcastic enough yet, so this will have to do.
The spotting continued, as did the aches and pains in my lower abdomen. I did a little research and found that "all bodies are different" (yadda yadda yadda) and that some women feel this. It's "normal." I was 10 days from my first appointment and just couldn't stand the worrying anymore, so I called the doctor's office and the nurse practitioner said that it sounded normal, but what I should be worried about is anything that feels like period cramps and heavy bleeding like a period. I hadn't had a period since Feb 4th, so it's been a while...not that you forget what cramps feel like, but after a while, all the aches and pains run together.
Turns out, I didn't have to wait very long to be reminded...the very next day (Saturday), I woke up and was making breakfast and my belly really ached...I just assumed it was a "growing pain." (Anything that goes from a sesame seed (5 weeks) to a BB gun pellet (6 weeks) has to cause some discomfort, right?) And then I went to the bathroom. What greeted me on the toilet paper was bright red. Instantly sobbing.
That's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went...more aching, more bright red...then on Sunday afternoon I finally called my mom to tell her what was happening (I believe my exact words were "I don't think I'm pregnant anymore"). She encouraged/instructed me to call the on-call OB, which I did and I was told to lay low and stay in and not to go out if I don't have to. Demetri interpreted that as "keep your butt on this couch except when you have to pee." Fun for the first 3 hours...then it gets old. In addition to laying low, I was instructed to call the physician on Monday (today) and be seen and have blood work done. Demetri was trying to be upbeat, but I knew and at times I'm pretty sure I was inconsolable.
During the night, I was woken up by the most intense pain I've ever felt (to date) in my belly. I actually got up and sat in the shower with the hot water on my belly for some relief...which eventually translated into a heating pad on my belly, then on my back after that didn't work, just to rest. Finally, I made it back to sleep, but wasn't surprised when the 1/2 dollar size clot showed up when I got up to pee this morning.
I assumed the position on the couch and waited for 8 when I could call the doctor. After a few calls back and forth, she informed me I had an appointment with Dr. Sweeny, a specialist in maternal fetal medicine, for an ultrasound. Fantastic. I'm already to the point where there just going to check and see if it's empty?! Demetri had gone to work and I was going to call him and let him know what the deal was. Then he called to say he was on his way home to come with me to the appointment (I'm telling you, the best EVER!)
Appointment time: Demetri and I in the exam room with my belly covered in goo...she sees my uterus and right ovary (the left one was a little camera shy I guess) and goes out to get the doctor. He comes in and does some scanning of his own and then says there's a spot he wants to look at a little closer, would I mind if he did a trans-vaginal ultrasound...would I mind? Did I have a choice?! Demetri is still in the room when I'm instructed to undress from the waist down and put my feet in the stirrups. Again, still in the room when the tech puts a condom-like piece of plastic on the probe and pops that sucker in there...priceless, I'm telling you, priceless!
What the Doctor sees is the "remants" of a pregnancy...a few dark spots on the monitor that obviously don't resemble a 7-week pregnancy...no shocker there. But, he does want to make sure that it's coming out now as it should, so I had some blood drawn to find a baseline for my hormones, and am instructed to come back for round 2 on Wednesday...can't wait.
At any rate, that's our story for now. I'll have to change the title of this little rambling of mine/ours...but I haven't thought of anything witty or sarcastic enough yet, so this will have to do.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The Longest Day...so far
Thursday, March 20th was the longest day of my life.
We decided we were going to tell my parents about the baby when they arrived at the airport on Friday, March 21st...so, I had to wait Wednesday afternoon, all day Thursday and overnight before I could spill the beans...(as an aside, I also had to keep my mouth shut during our baby conversation at small group on Thursday night!)
Friday morning finally came and I was about to leap out of my skin I was so excited! We were late leaving (duh) and they were already waiting for their baggage by the time we got down there. We made these paper signs - like the ones that drivers use when they're coming to pick up a stranger - that said "Grandma Diehl" and "Grandpa Diehl." So as we were walking up, we flashed the signs and it took a minute for it to register with both of them...then my mom starts crying and my Dad starts jumping up an down like a crazy man, then gets a little teary eyed...but they were pretty ecstatic for quite some time. I was really sweet.
I think she plans on keeping those signs...they'll more than likely end up framed on the nursery wall :)
We decided we were going to tell my parents about the baby when they arrived at the airport on Friday, March 21st...so, I had to wait Wednesday afternoon, all day Thursday and overnight before I could spill the beans...(as an aside, I also had to keep my mouth shut during our baby conversation at small group on Thursday night!)
Friday morning finally came and I was about to leap out of my skin I was so excited! We were late leaving (duh) and they were already waiting for their baggage by the time we got down there. We made these paper signs - like the ones that drivers use when they're coming to pick up a stranger - that said "Grandma Diehl" and "Grandpa Diehl." So as we were walking up, we flashed the signs and it took a minute for it to register with both of them...then my mom starts crying and my Dad starts jumping up an down like a crazy man, then gets a little teary eyed...but they were pretty ecstatic for quite some time. I was really sweet.
I think she plans on keeping those signs...they'll more than likely end up framed on the nursery wall :)
5 Weeks
By the time we found out we were pregnant, we were already 5 weeks! It was only after 3 inconclusive home tests (argh!) and one trip to the doctor's office for blood work that I discovered how baby math is actually done...I just assumed you counted from the date you concieved...nope, from the first day of your last period. Interesting. So, using the greatest invention ever - the Internet - I found a due date calculator that spit back out November 17th.
NOVEMBER 17TH!!!!!!!!
NOVEMBER 17TH!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)