Faithful Stalkers - thanks for checking back with me :) I hadn't realized it had been almost a month since my last post - my apologies...quite a bit has happened, so I won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know the whole story, just ask...
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
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