Can't remember what I was going to say

I finally have a free 20 minutes to sit and "blog it out," as my husband would say, and now I can't remember what I was going to say :)

I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.

I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.

Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.

A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.

I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.

Yes, Anelle, I Pray...

The cry (or scream) of my heart these last few days...I can't claim that I wrote this, but whoever did, wrote it for me...I added the emphasis.

It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!

I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.

[Insert exasperated noise here]

I had my annual exam yesterday - which also included a "why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant" conversation. Background: my doctor's appointment was on day 49 of my cycle...no period and only one pink line. I love my GYN, so I wasn't panicked too much about having to have this conversation. She was super sweet and attentive and thorough...she checked for some thyroid conditions and proceeded with the exam. Then she said the two words that no one that's trying to get pregnant wants to hear..."fertility clinic."

Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)

*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."

I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.

Just when you think this can't get better, it does.