Last Monday, Demetri and I went to see the Endocrinologist regarding this hormone problem I'm having with my ovaries. Dr. Frenchbread (as she will be referred to throughout this post) was pleasant enough, but as she stepped out of the room so I could put my clothes on, we both felt like she was going to come back in and ask us what we were doing there...which she basically did. During our appointment she asked all kinds of questions about and around the "symptoms" of PCOS. She would just nod and type...very un-emotional in a typically French way (she was actually French, by the way).
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
