I had my first appointment with Victoria yesterday...and apparently I'm clearly in need of such help that I'm scheduled to go back next friday :) While it's hard for me to remember the exact conversation we had that hour, here are some of the high points.
~She, and her daughter, both miscarried. This tells me two things. The first is that people really do get pregnant and have healthy kids after a miscarriage. The second is that I'm not going to have to explain every thing or every thought to her, because she knew every thought that has been going through my head for the last month and I didn't even have to say it out loud.
~She's good at her job, because in the first five minutes she had it figured out that "I have a plan"
~She spent quite a bit of our time together reminding me that God did not do this to me...nor did he allow this to happen because he is cruel. She reminded me that we live in a fallen world and because of this, things like miscarriages happen because Satan is just roaming around, trying to find instances where he can use our circumstances to hurt us.
~God is love. And as such, perhaps it was because of his love for me and for my child that he knew that Gus' time on earth would be so full of suffering that he took him home early.
~I will eventually get to see my child.
~What is happening to me is grief and I need to give myself permission to grieve...to become more transparent about what's going on with me to those around me such that they can provide support and that I'm not making this harder on myself by trying to deny what's happening.
~The times when grief shows up unexpectedly and at the most inopportune moments is normal...so are the times when it's prompted by something and almost incapacitating.
~Because I am SO Type-A, I have a hard time letting what my heart feels override what my mind knows
I have spent most of the last few weeks being very bitter and, having no one here to direct it towards, I just directed it upwards. So being reminded by Victoria that in spite of my bitterness, I am still loved and God wants to comfort me...but joked that that could happen when we were back on speaking terms. My dad reminded me that sometimes, God wants us to yell at him when we're angy with him, because when you do that, you're staring right at Him...and that's exactly where He wants you to be. Because it will be at that moment when He reaches out and puts His arm around you and draws you near.
I know that the last three days have been divine intervention and I know that my time with Victoria was time with God, and now I have to get over my own selfish, stubborn ways and let go.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I think Jesus is still speaking to me
When you hear over and over again that your miscarriage wasn't your fault, and nothing you did caused it, that doesn't leave a whole lot of people to direct the inevitable anger towards, so naturally, I am aming mine upward.
Despite our current non-speaking relationship, I am pretty sure Jesus still loves me. Here's how I know. First, I had yet another meltdown last night (everyone's life is moving on and I'm stuck in "this", I can't be happy for our friends, yadda, yadda, yadda) and wondered if I could/should go to work today. Well, because I'm a good little worker bee, I went, but was only there until about 1:00 when my boss came in and told me to go home and, if I needed to, cancel my work plans for tomorrow.
Second, I was driving home from work and called the counselors office that Taegan recommended and the lady couldn't have been more plesant. She asked how early I wanted to come in, because Victoria had times tomorrow at 3, 4 and 5....um I'll take 5 please, thanks.
Despite our current non-speaking relationship, I am pretty sure Jesus still loves me. Here's how I know. First, I had yet another meltdown last night (everyone's life is moving on and I'm stuck in "this", I can't be happy for our friends, yadda, yadda, yadda) and wondered if I could/should go to work today. Well, because I'm a good little worker bee, I went, but was only there until about 1:00 when my boss came in and told me to go home and, if I needed to, cancel my work plans for tomorrow.
Second, I was driving home from work and called the counselors office that Taegan recommended and the lady couldn't have been more plesant. She asked how early I wanted to come in, because Victoria had times tomorrow at 3, 4 and 5....um I'll take 5 please, thanks.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lied about Accepting
It's becoming more and more apparent that my previous post was a lie and that I am not, in fact, moving into acceptance...still bitter and pissed off.
Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off
Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless
Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.
and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.
Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"
Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off
Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless
Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.
and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Two Cards
Since my last update, I'm happy to report that I might be moving into the acceptance phase. The human soul is an interesting and complicated thing.
And, it's because I moved into the acceptance phase that I can report the following incident clearly and without sobbing.
Friends of ours who live in Oklahoma (and therefore were not included in my "but people I know don't have miscarriages" statement) tried for a very long time to get pregnant. After over a year of trying, they're having a bouncing baby in July! I shared with her my recent debacle...not sure why, but I was thinking of her and her faithfulness and just wanted to let her know what was happening with us. Yesterday we received the nicest encouragement card from them in the mail. I was grateful she was checking up on us.
The next card in the pile was from one of Demetri's relatives. I could tell by the stickers on the front of the envelope that perhaps Demetri's mother didn't get to this particular individual when she was sharing the not-pregnant news. And, as I suspected, the card was addressed to the "Proud new parents-to-be." It was hard to be upset, since I know she didn't mean it...and when Demetri calls to tell her we're not preggers anymore, she'll just be mortified! But, it was an interesting mail call just the same.
And, it's because I moved into the acceptance phase that I can report the following incident clearly and without sobbing.
Friends of ours who live in Oklahoma (and therefore were not included in my "but people I know don't have miscarriages" statement) tried for a very long time to get pregnant. After over a year of trying, they're having a bouncing baby in July! I shared with her my recent debacle...not sure why, but I was thinking of her and her faithfulness and just wanted to let her know what was happening with us. Yesterday we received the nicest encouragement card from them in the mail. I was grateful she was checking up on us.
The next card in the pile was from one of Demetri's relatives. I could tell by the stickers on the front of the envelope that perhaps Demetri's mother didn't get to this particular individual when she was sharing the not-pregnant news. And, as I suspected, the card was addressed to the "Proud new parents-to-be." It was hard to be upset, since I know she didn't mean it...and when Demetri calls to tell her we're not preggers anymore, she'll just be mortified! But, it was an interesting mail call just the same.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Good Grief
As an adult, I don't remember the last time I experienced grief...or at least experienced grief so large that forces you to mourn. So, this last week has been an eye opener for me. There really are phases to grief!
In addition to the list below, I'd like to add rage and bitterness - "If one more person reminds me that this just means the baby wasn't progressing normally, I'll scream!"
Denial -
"I'm not really having a miscarriage...no one in my family has miscarriages"
"I'm 29 and healthy...there's no way this is what's happening"
Anger -
In the doctor's office hearing some other woman fill out her paperwork:
Her: "My due date is November 20th"
Me: Bitch
Bargaining -
"God - It doesn't matter to me how this baby comes out...you know I'd love it anyway!"
Depression -
"My parents were so happy when we told them, and it crushed me to have to call and tell them. I wanted to apologize for what was happening"
Acceptance -
Stay tuned
In addition to the list below, I'd like to add rage and bitterness - "If one more person reminds me that this just means the baby wasn't progressing normally, I'll scream!"
Denial -
"I'm not really having a miscarriage...no one in my family has miscarriages"
"I'm 29 and healthy...there's no way this is what's happening"
Anger -
In the doctor's office hearing some other woman fill out her paperwork:
Her: "My due date is November 20th"
Me: Bitch
Bargaining -
"God - It doesn't matter to me how this baby comes out...you know I'd love it anyway!"
Depression -
"My parents were so happy when we told them, and it crushed me to have to call and tell them. I wanted to apologize for what was happening"
Acceptance -
Stay tuned
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Basketball Team and the Heroin Addict
Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Sweeney's office (ultrasound man) to see how I was "progressing." I decided I could be brave and go by myself, which was fine until I was in the waiting room and another couple were there filling out there first time visit paperwork (outloud practically) and announced to the room that her due date was November 20th. B*tch.
I made it back to the exam room and the tech wanted to double check with Dr. Sweeney on whether or not he really wanted a scan or just a blood draw. After about 15 minutes, she came back to say no scan, just blood work. So out I went to the lab tech, who, by the way the son of Dr. Sweeney...
On Monday when I was there, he was trying to make casual conversation while he's sticking me (left arm), so he says "So, basketball team or less?" Huh? He clarifies "are you trying to have enough for a basketball team, or just one or two?" First, I'm in your office with no noticeable belly and no mascara either because I've cried it all off and you're asking me how many kids I want? Right now, I'd settle for just one! Second, who actually tries for that many kids?! So, I respond "oh, maybe two or three, but right now I'm just concerned with getting the first one"
On Wednesday, I'm back. I roll up the sleeve (left arm) and he's making more appropriate idle chatter. When I ask which arm he wants, he says "Same as last time. I'm going to try and hit the same spot so you don't look like a heroin addict." Huh?
Well, he did something wrong this time because my elbow crease is PURPLE! Then I found out from my OB that I have to come in and have my blood re-drawn by them so it can be typed to determine if I need to have Rogam...something about fetal cells in my blood stream that may affect future pregnancies. Right arm, thank you very much!
The fun just keeps coming!
I made it back to the exam room and the tech wanted to double check with Dr. Sweeney on whether or not he really wanted a scan or just a blood draw. After about 15 minutes, she came back to say no scan, just blood work. So out I went to the lab tech, who, by the way the son of Dr. Sweeney...
On Monday when I was there, he was trying to make casual conversation while he's sticking me (left arm), so he says "So, basketball team or less?" Huh? He clarifies "are you trying to have enough for a basketball team, or just one or two?" First, I'm in your office with no noticeable belly and no mascara either because I've cried it all off and you're asking me how many kids I want? Right now, I'd settle for just one! Second, who actually tries for that many kids?! So, I respond "oh, maybe two or three, but right now I'm just concerned with getting the first one"
On Wednesday, I'm back. I roll up the sleeve (left arm) and he's making more appropriate idle chatter. When I ask which arm he wants, he says "Same as last time. I'm going to try and hit the same spot so you don't look like a heroin addict." Huh?
Well, he did something wrong this time because my elbow crease is PURPLE! Then I found out from my OB that I have to come in and have my blood re-drawn by them so it can be typed to determine if I need to have Rogam...something about fetal cells in my blood stream that may affect future pregnancies. Right arm, thank you very much!
The fun just keeps coming!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A Bunny and Raggedy Ann
When we were in NY with my parents (after the big Reveal!), my Mom wanted Gus' first "thing" to be from NYC. We looked for a baby blanket, but couldn't find one we liked. So, she picked up a white bunny for our easter basket instead - which was a surprise. This bunny sat on the kitchen table all week and yesterday, when I decided we probably weren't getting good news at the doctors office, I started to put all the "baby" things away. I went to pick up the bunny and found that I couldn't put it down. Instead, I stood there staring at it SOBBING! This was my child's first thing...my child I wasn't going to have! So, the bunny sat with me on the couch most of the day, and my mom said that wasn't wierd :) For the time being, the bunny is going to live in the living room with us.
Several hundred miles away, my mom was getting a knock on her door from a neighbor that she's not really close with, but knows casually. This neighbor presented my mom with a Raggedy Ann doll (I had one when I was a baby), saying that she was thinking about her when she saw it and decided to get it for her. Raggedy Ann is keeping Grandma and Grandpa company in their kitchen as we speak.
Several hundred miles away, my mom was getting a knock on her door from a neighbor that she's not really close with, but knows casually. This neighbor presented my mom with a Raggedy Ann doll (I had one when I was a baby), saying that she was thinking about her when she saw it and decided to get it for her. Raggedy Ann is keeping Grandma and Grandpa company in their kitchen as we speak.
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