Lied about Accepting

It's becoming more and more apparent that my previous post was a lie and that I am not, in fact, moving into acceptance...still bitter and pissed off.

Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off

Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless

Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.

and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.