Staring at Him.

I had my first appointment with Victoria yesterday...and apparently I'm clearly in need of such help that I'm scheduled to go back next friday :) While it's hard for me to remember the exact conversation we had that hour, here are some of the high points.

~She, and her daughter, both miscarried. This tells me two things. The first is that people really do get pregnant and have healthy kids after a miscarriage. The second is that I'm not going to have to explain every thing or every thought to her, because she knew every thought that has been going through my head for the last month and I didn't even have to say it out loud.

~She's good at her job, because in the first five minutes she had it figured out that "I have a plan"

~She spent quite a bit of our time together reminding me that God did not do this to me...nor did he allow this to happen because he is cruel. She reminded me that we live in a fallen world and because of this, things like miscarriages happen because Satan is just roaming around, trying to find instances where he can use our circumstances to hurt us.

~God is love. And as such, perhaps it was because of his love for me and for my child that he knew that Gus' time on earth would be so full of suffering that he took him home early.

~I will eventually get to see my child.

~What is happening to me is grief and I need to give myself permission to grieve...to become more transparent about what's going on with me to those around me such that they can provide support and that I'm not making this harder on myself by trying to deny what's happening.

~The times when grief shows up unexpectedly and at the most inopportune moments is normal...so are the times when it's prompted by something and almost incapacitating.

~Because I am SO Type-A, I have a hard time letting what my heart feels override what my mind knows

I have spent most of the last few weeks being very bitter and, having no one here to direct it towards, I just directed it upwards. So being reminded by Victoria that in spite of my bitterness, I am still loved and God wants to comfort me...but joked that that could happen when we were back on speaking terms. My dad reminded me that sometimes, God wants us to yell at him when we're angy with him, because when you do that, you're staring right at Him...and that's exactly where He wants you to be. Because it will be at that moment when He reaches out and puts His arm around you and draws you near.

I know that the last three days have been divine intervention and I know that my time with Victoria was time with God, and now I have to get over my own selfish, stubborn ways and let go.