Hello stalkers - just a note to let you all know that I am 7 days late and the test I took on Thursday was negative. So, we're going to wait until Friday, and if I haven't started, we'll take another test. Friday is also Demetri's birthday, so we're keeping our fingers crossed for some happy birthday news!
As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
1 step forward...
As an update to my last post, things are not apparently progressing as well as I had hoped.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So, what's new?
Faithful Stalkers - thanks for checking back with me :) I hadn't realized it had been almost a month since my last post - my apologies...quite a bit has happened, so I won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know the whole story, just ask...
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
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