1 step forward...

As an update to my last post, things are not apparently progressing as well as I had hoped.

For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.

Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.

I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.

So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.

So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.

I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.