So I still feel like a cow...this period isn't providing the relief I thought it would. So, that's discouraging.

I've decided to ask Victoria about medication. She's mentioned the last two times we chatted that perhaps that's what I need. Apparently whatever it is I'm saying to her is very clearly depression...fabulous.

The reason for such intermittent blogging, both here and on the "normal" site, is the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. I can't multi-task like I used to, and in fact, I have a hard time single-tasking really. Even now...don't know how to finish this thought.

I think this stems from the fact that I have so much going on in my head, that it's too much to simplify to write down. So as it turns out, I end up not writing anything down because it's too hard to think about doing. And, when I'm really in the midst of a meltdown (like yesterday) that's probably the best time to blog, but there's no way I'd sit still long enough to do it. Now, one day post meltdown, I can't remember what the meltdown was about that just seemed to paralyze me.

I told Demetri the other day that I was in a staring contest with God. Here's how that conversation went:
D: "You're in a staring contest with God?"
S: "Yes...and I'm just stubborn enough to win it."
D: "You're in a staring contest with the Creator of the Universe and you think you're going to win?"
S: "Yes"
He chuckles....So yesterday, in the midst of the meltdown, he asks if I think I'm broken yet...funny...broken yet? when was the last time I was whole?

The thought I keep having is that I can't do this. I can't keep living like this...I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this...what if I don't ever get better. And the thing I know I should do is pray about it (which even when you write that phrase out it makes it sound so simple) but I truly don't know how. Am I just supposed to bow my head and ask God to take it away...like it's asking Him to borrow $5? And then, once I ask, what happens next...what do I do next...can I just get up and have ice cream and watch TV? Is is okay to pick up and go back to my life after that or should it be an "ask" that requires an evening of devotion or solitude? I'm afraid that I've analyzed this so much that I can't back up from it and see it for how simple it really is. And when I do ask, beg really, that this be taken from me and I feel better, does God miraculously change my heart? Will I wake up one day and be a whole human being again?

As a disclaimer, I know all the answers to these questions. I was raised on the answers to these questions. I've told people in similar situations to do just this because God is faithful and he hears us. But now it's my turn in the hot seat and I can't do it. Truly. I'm so close to doing it...so close to blurting it all out in His direction (which may be the reason for the staring contest) but there's something that stops me...something that keeps my mouth from saying the words and letting it go. I'm not trying to fix myself, which is a step, but instead, I'm stuck here in the middle of this train wreck and can't take the first step to get out of it.

Maybe I don't want to be whole again. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to feel better because in some way that means I've moved on from my kid. Maybe that's an issue for my shrink.

Day 9+7

For all of you following the madness, I'm happy to report that after a few days of nasty spotting, I started an actual period yesterday.

I am now wondering why I was so anxious to have it come in the first place!? Hmmm....

I keep trying to remind myself that when this is over, I will feel better...Today I feel like a cow :)

Day 9

Today is day 9 of the 10 days of Provera...so, if we're lucky, we'll be feeling better by Wednesday.

But, until then, we're still a mess...and by we I mean I.

I don't know how many of you know this about me, but I'm pretty stubborn...especially if I know/think I can do something by myself, or even if I think I should be able to do something by myself. Hence, I've been really stubborn lately...I can cope with this...I can continue to work really hard at work...I can continue to serve at Crossroads...I can still participate at small group...I can be around pregnant people...

All false

As it turns out that's not the case and my stubborness is keeping me from accepting help...I have no problem asking for it, but the problem seems to occur once I leave Victoria's office, or once I get off the phone with my mom, or once I leave church. Once I leave, I don't ever actually practice what's been suggested. Examples (paraphrased):

Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to work on the sarcasm
Me: Yea, I know

But what happens? See anyone of these posts..

Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to confess to God that you need His help and comfort
Me: Yea, I know

Does this happen? no. but this doesn't happen because I don't want to, it doesn't happen because I don't know how to say it and mean it. I don't want it to be a conversation that I have in the car, but I know it doesn't have to be some huge ceremonious conversation. So, I continue with the status quo and continue to slowly lose my mind.

We went to big church for the first time in a while today and it was really refresing...we went for the commissioning of the Richmond Church Plant but I found, especially during worship, that there were themes for me...stubborness flareup...I get the knocking and am too stubborn to take the step and answer.

No baby this time

I peed on another stick on Saturday and confirmed that we were not, in fact, preggers this time. So, I began taking the Provera the doctor prescribed for me, so hopefully in 10 days or so, we'll be having a period! Shout out to the circle of life!