So I still feel like a cow...this period isn't providing the relief I thought it would. So, that's discouraging.

I've decided to ask Victoria about medication. She's mentioned the last two times we chatted that perhaps that's what I need. Apparently whatever it is I'm saying to her is very clearly depression...fabulous.

The reason for such intermittent blogging, both here and on the "normal" site, is the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. I can't multi-task like I used to, and in fact, I have a hard time single-tasking really. Even now...don't know how to finish this thought.

I think this stems from the fact that I have so much going on in my head, that it's too much to simplify to write down. So as it turns out, I end up not writing anything down because it's too hard to think about doing. And, when I'm really in the midst of a meltdown (like yesterday) that's probably the best time to blog, but there's no way I'd sit still long enough to do it. Now, one day post meltdown, I can't remember what the meltdown was about that just seemed to paralyze me.

I told Demetri the other day that I was in a staring contest with God. Here's how that conversation went:
D: "You're in a staring contest with God?"
S: "Yes...and I'm just stubborn enough to win it."
D: "You're in a staring contest with the Creator of the Universe and you think you're going to win?"
S: "Yes"
He chuckles....So yesterday, in the midst of the meltdown, he asks if I think I'm broken yet...funny...broken yet? when was the last time I was whole?

The thought I keep having is that I can't do this. I can't keep living like this...I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this...what if I don't ever get better. And the thing I know I should do is pray about it (which even when you write that phrase out it makes it sound so simple) but I truly don't know how. Am I just supposed to bow my head and ask God to take it away...like it's asking Him to borrow $5? And then, once I ask, what happens next...what do I do next...can I just get up and have ice cream and watch TV? Is is okay to pick up and go back to my life after that or should it be an "ask" that requires an evening of devotion or solitude? I'm afraid that I've analyzed this so much that I can't back up from it and see it for how simple it really is. And when I do ask, beg really, that this be taken from me and I feel better, does God miraculously change my heart? Will I wake up one day and be a whole human being again?

As a disclaimer, I know all the answers to these questions. I was raised on the answers to these questions. I've told people in similar situations to do just this because God is faithful and he hears us. But now it's my turn in the hot seat and I can't do it. Truly. I'm so close to doing it...so close to blurting it all out in His direction (which may be the reason for the staring contest) but there's something that stops me...something that keeps my mouth from saying the words and letting it go. I'm not trying to fix myself, which is a step, but instead, I'm stuck here in the middle of this train wreck and can't take the first step to get out of it.

Maybe I don't want to be whole again. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to feel better because in some way that means I've moved on from my kid. Maybe that's an issue for my shrink.