Barrett James - his Birthday

I recognize I'm about 2-weeks late in posting the story, but cut me some slack...I now have a newborn :)

Our anniversary is November 10th...we went out for a nice dinner, but I'd been battling what I thought was heartburn all day...the pain started just to the left of my sternum and just never really went away. By Thursday evening (the 12th) I was more convinced it was actually a pinched nerve...the pain now began under my left rib cage, traveled up my sternum and over my shoulder to the bottom of my shoulder blade. Initially it hurt to move, or take a deep breath...at dinner that evening Danielle was suggesting a massage was in order, which I made a note to call and schedule the next day when I was at work.

Around 11:30, after I'd been asleep for about 2 hours, I woke up in such pain, I almost couldn't stand it. It was hard to get comfortable lying down or sitting up, so I attempted to sleep in the chair - no success - and then tried the couch - success for about 2 hours.

When I woke up at 1:30, I hurt so bad I was in tears (literally) and managed to get myself upstairs to wake Demetri up - who promptly sat up when I said "I need you to take me to the ER!"...then I quickly clarified that it wasn't because I was having contractions, but rather I was in some serious pain. After calming me down, we decided the more sensible thing to do would be to call the OB and explain what was going on. Well, as soon as you describe any kind of pain that you're having in your chest, you get moved to the front of the line...so at 2:00 in the morning, we found ourselves on our way to the hospital to get checked out. When we left the house, in the back of my mind, I was thinking how funny it would be if we actually had a baby that night, one week before our scheduled C-section (the 20th) and two weeks before the baby's due date (the 26th)...but convinced myself that wouldn't happen, because I wasn't having contractions.

After we arrived at the hospital, I had some blood drawn and was attached to a baby monitor, just in case. The doctor checks my shoulder out and is in the process of concurring with my self-diagnosis of a pinched nerve when babe's heartbeat drops from 140 to 80. The doctor called for oxygen and before I knew it, I was swarmed by 6 nurses and was being rolled from side to side (PAINFULL!) to get babe to cooperate. Doc says "if that happens again, we're having a birthday party today." Sure enough, babe does it again, so Doc says "we're having a baby tonight." I say "Seriously?!" Demetri says "Do you think we should call your parents?" I say "um, yes"

about 30 minutes later, I was on the OR table with a FABULOUS epidural, hearing Demetri say through his OR mask "Stinker, it's a boy!!!!"

November 13, 2009 at 3:36 am
7lbs, 11oz, 20.4 inches long.

From Baby_Facebook

Stubborn like Dad

or, at least I'm attributing this characteristic to Dad :)

Our weekly appointments began yesterday. I'm down about a half a pound (i KNEW it was fluid!) and measuring at 38 weeks (week 37 isn't until Thursday). As she was wrapping up the exam, I asked if she could tell what part of baby I was feeling underneath my right rib cage...it gets REALLY firm (and actually quite painful) and I wasn't sure if it was baby head or baby butt. She felt around and couldn't tell either, so she wheeled in the ole ultrasound machine and sure enough, it's baby head. At week 36/37, baby head should be down, not up...

so, we have two options - External Cephalic Version (basically, manually trying to flip baby by manipulating mom's belly). Risks include contractions, early labor, breaking water and/or emergency c-section. and, apparently, it hurts.

Option two is a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, since odds of baby flipping this late in the game aren't good.

After much deliberation (and advice from several folks), we opted for the scheduled c-section. Not exactly glamorous and sort of eliminates the possibility of the middle of the night hospital run, but the scheduler in me has relaxed :) Don't have the date yet, and we may keep that a surprise, but that's our 36/37 week update :)

More things I can't do anymore

I know the baby blogging has been a little slack lately, but give me a break - 35 weeks preggo can take it out of you!

I will take a moment, however, and update you on the "list of things I cannot do anymore"

~wear any shoes other than Crocs

~see my ankle bones

~tie shoelaces (my hiking boots also fit, but require Demetri's help to tie them)

~sit without propping my feet up

~walk for an extended period of time (i.e. 5 minutes) without using the "hand hammock" (hands clasped underneath the belly for a little extra support)

It should also be noted that I haven't been able to wear my own wedding band since week 15 or so...since then, I've outgrown two other rings and am now on one that used to belong to my Grandpa...

In other news - we're down to weekly appointments (usually on Monday mornings)...on 10/26 we had no "action" down there, which I'm okay with because at 35 1/2 weeks, there shouldn't be any action...I also learned that I gained 6 lbs over the previous two weeks, but it's most likely due to the water retention...my calves sort of vomited all over my feet, which is why crocs are the only things that fit. So with the addition of this 6lbs, my grand total since week 1 is about 39 lbs...not super excited about that, but Danielle promises to "help" me take the weight off. Something about seeing your weight on a scale begin with a 2 is both a motivator and a de-motivator all at the same time.

30 Weeks

about a week and a half over due, but here are the pictures from our last ultrasound (last in that it was our most recent and last in that we don't have anymore scheduled). My parents were in town, so they were able to come back with us and see the baby in "real life"

From Baby

From Baby

Belly full of baby

I'm in Motherhood Maternity Sunday afternoon and the following takes place:

 

Sales Lady:  Hi, can I help you?

 

Me: Yes, do you all sell nursing bras?

 

Sales  Lady: Yes, we do...when are you due?

 

Me: End of November - Thanksgiving

 

Sales Lady stops walking, turns around and looks at me and says: Are you having twins?

 

Me: No

 

Sales Lady: Wow, cause you are all belly!

 

Me: Um, thanks...

26 Weeks

A fun surprise today at the doctor - 4D shots!!!  They were too cool not to share!
 
baby weighs about 2.3 lbs - which is on par for 27 weeks - which I'll be on Thursday, so babe is a little big, but maybe that means he/she can come early.  Kidneys are still a bit bigger than they'd like (but no bigger than last time) and there seems to be a bit of urine reflux hanging out around the kidneys...this normally heals itself either in the womb or shortly after birth, but there's no "anatomical" blockage down there, so the doctor wasn't too concerned...just means we get to go back in a month :)
 
Oh, and so you know, the doctor also relayed that more and more people are opting not to find out what the sex is...in his words "there aren't enough pleasant surprises in life" :)  So - all you pregnant ladies - STAY STRONG!  don't give into the pressure to find out :)

Things I cannot do anymore

This is in no way meant to be a complaint, rather an interesting take on what actually happens during pregnancy that no one really tells you

~ see my toes

~ bend over to touch my toes - ok, well actually it's more like bending over to touch my ankles, cause who am I kidding...I don't remember the last time I could touch my toes

~ laugh without "leaking"

~ sit or stand for more than 2 hours at a time

~ lift a small child

~ stain a deck (long story)

~ sit straight up from a lying position - this now resembles some sort of roll move and a sideways push-up

~ sleep through the night

~ deal with stress

~ take a nap...you'd think this would be a no brainer, but somehow, the mid-afternoon nap eludes me

19 weeks

We still don't know what we're having, so don't ask :)

We went back for our follow-up ultrasound on Thursday and got to see our "perfect" baby (doc's words, not ours :)) He wants to check again in 6 weeks...having a rocky pregnancy does have it's perks :)

An ultrasound machine for my house

We had an appointment with a maternal and fetal medicine specialist about a week ago - thanks to the hematoma incident. Turned out not to be too bad as the tech spent about 20 minutes looking for various things, which basically meant we got to watch him/her for a long time! This was a really fantastic machine...the picture isn't doing is justice. And, for the low low price of $500,000, we could get one for the house :)

12 Week Surprise

Subchorionic Hematoma - basically means you freak because you think you're miscarrying.

Apparenly I have this (blood clots in my uterus outside of where Turkey Lurkey is) and they are not uncommon, yet not common enough that I had ever heard of this. They go away in 1 of 2 ways - they get reabsorbed or they come out. Mine have chosen to come out :) Imagine my surprise at this on Friday when I'm in the shower and 'red' is all over the shower floor. I was allowed off the couch long enough to get to go to the doctors and an ultrasound confirmed that this is what was happening. They can come out slowly over time, or all at once...you know how I like to do stuff right so of course this is coming out slowly...but, slow is good as I was told that the difference between the clots coming out and a miscarriage is a fast, thick flow, rather than the spots every few hours...that and it would hurt more :)

However, the unexpected trip to the doctors got us this (and we saw him/her moving!!!!):

10 weeks

Faithful followers, I have not left you...I'm just to freakin tired to write a coherent sentence :)

To catch you up, I've been hungover for about a month. That's the best way to describe this blessed first trimester...like I partied too hard last night. I'm tired ALL THE TIME and am queasy...the kind of queasy you wish would just go ahead and turn into vomiting cause then you'd feel better, but it never does so you try in vain to eat thinking that will help and it doesn't. What does seem to make it go away for a little while is salt and grease (Think: Lays potato chips). Thursday we entered the world of eating every 2 hours or else, so that's made going to the grocery store a little more creative.

As for my state of mind, when I'm not asleep with my eyes open, it's all over the place. Week 9 saw my first hormonal explosion at work and I'm not sure if it was hormones or just being tired. I'm still nervous when the belly aches, and I'm nervous when it stops aching. I keep reminding myself that bad = period cramps and bright red blood...neither of which I've had...so the aches are just growing pains :)

My next ultrasound isn't for another 8 or so weeks, and you know I find that unacceptable, so we may go out and purchase a doppler monitor...apparently you can get them in a "portable" version and it lets you hear the heartbeat at home...I'm thinking that when I'm nervous either way, we can just strap that puppy on and breathe easy.

I still have no desire to find out the sex, nor do I "know" what it is (although I do say "he" when speaking about the belly). The planner in me is getting a little antsy to start registering and buying furniture, etc., but I think I'm going to wait and hit it hard in the 2nd trimester, when I have energy...

ok...8pm = bed time so I'm off...thanks for coming back and checking up on us!

Meet Pouli #3

We had our 8 week ultrasound today, and IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A BABY NOW!

 

We officially graduated (their term, not mine) from Shady Grove, which means I get to go to my regular OB just like every other normal person...which unfortunately means less photos of Pumpkin Pie, but, you better believe I'll make up for it once he/she arrives.

 

For now, thought, this will have to do!

 

Sarah

--
Check us out!  www.thepouli.blogspot.com

Still Knocked Up

Hello All - I just heard from Nurse Stephanie and she confirmed we're still pregnant...my HCG levels went from 185 on Friday to 3201 today.  The goal was only 1500 - 1600, so since I jumped so high, they want me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday to make sure the baby's growing in the right location (i.e., not in my fallopian tube), which is what an unusually high jump like this could mean.  Or, it could mean we're having twins :)  or, it just means that I will run "high"...some women do. 

 

Needless to say, I'm still freaking out.  So, if you have a moment and are in a place where you can send a little prayer my way, I'd really appreciate it.  All this suspense is slowly killing me, I'm sure of it! :)

 

 

And Baby Makes Three

In case I missed telling you (in which case, I'm SO SORRY), our test was POSITIVE yesterday!

Baby Pouli will be making his/her grand entrance on Thanksgiving this year.

As soon as my brain wraps itself around the idea, I'll post more on how crazy the last few days have been. Thanks for all your prayers!

Interim Update

So, we have 4 days and counting until the "big news day" and I thought I'd take this opportunity to update all of you on my world. I'm pretty sure they give you these hormones just to screw with you. They know this is one of the biggest things in people's life, so they decide to take it to the next level by making you wait 15 days AND put you on hormones. sick joke :)

Aside from reminding myself that the crazy mood swings/emotions are all products of hormones that are, for the most part, out of my control, I spend most days trying not to analyze every twinge or pain my body has as "something that may indicate I'm pregnant." This mental exercise dynamic duo is beginning to take it's toll, as I'm starting to lose some of the initial positive thinking I had a mere 10 days ago.

I think God must know this, as he's placed several people in my/our path this week to serve as His hands and feet to encourage us (well, me really) to stay positive. I will not name all of you, but you know who you are and, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You!

On a side note, Demetri's sister is pregnant...the fun just keeps on coming!

Day 15

Hello All - So, today was our big day!  Our appointment was at 11 and, no lie, the actual procedure took less than 60 seconds...a bit anti-climactic, but hopefully effective.

 

Now, the worst part...waiting.  We don't go back until March 20th for our pregnancy test...what the crap!  15 days!  OIY!  Pray that I don't lose my mind!

 

Sarah

--
Check us out!  www.thepouli.blogspot.com

Day 13

Hello all - I just heard back from my nurse and she confirmed that everything is finally a "go" for our IUI...we had a little detour on Sunday as my follicle was only 16 mm, instead of the required 20 for insemination.  Apparently my little follicle did not appreciate being called small as he jumped to a whopping 21.6mm today!

 

So, I'll take my shot tonite and our appointment is scheduled for 11am on Thursday.  As long as I avoid "bouncy" things, high-impact aerobics and crunches, there's really nothing that I'm restricted from doing...however, so that I mentally feel better, I'll probably  be avoiding anything that remotely looks like exercise...at least until we know if it actually took this time :)  ok, maybe walking, but that's it!

 

After Thursday, my next appointment won't be until around the 20th, when I go back to see if we got pregnant this time...I'm really thankful that we have some stuff scheduled between now and then, but seriously, if you guys have anything going on that we can do with you that will keep my mind off it, that'd be great!

 

Thanks for your prayers!!!

Day 11...

...turned out not to be the fun filled day I was anticipating. US and BW this morning showed 1 (with maybe 2 more) maturing follicle but it was only 16mm, rather than the 20mm which is apparently the goal. So, no shot tonite and no turkey baster on Tuesday. Instead, Tuesday is more US and BW to see if I have put on the 4 necessary millimeters so I can get the turbo boost.

Thanks for checking, though...

Day 4

Hello all...I send greetings to you from day number 4. yes, that's right faithful blog followers...the period we all prayed for showed up on Thursday - with a vengence which made me question my excitement about having a second all by myself. And, as instructed, had a Day 3 appointment on Saturday. Once again, ultrasound and bloodwork just to make sure I'm on the right track, but this time, rather than Demetri, by Sister-in-law went with me (she was in town this weekend) and she's "fascinated" by all this fertility stuff, so we were very purposeful to tell people she was my SIL, and we weren't there "together". :)

Upon examination, the tech found 17 "potential" follicles in my right ovary and 9 in my left...didn't know if that was good or bad until I mentioned to the number to the nurse and she was very excited and said that 26 was a "great" number...overachiever, that's me. We learned that my little egg lives in these follicles and the follicle is what grows before ovulation...ovulation occurs when the follicle bursts and releases the egg and Clomid helps the follicles grow. (very much paraphrased from the nurse and the internet.)

I received a call late yesterday afternoon that cleared me to begin the Clomid and take every day until Wednesday. We have an appointment on Sunday, March 1st to see how many follicles grew like they were supposed to (1-2 is good....8 is not so good :)) and if there are the right number of potential candidates, then we'll take the shot and to in on Tuesday the 3rd for Operation Turkey Baster.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I find that I have this underlying calm about this whole thing that, dare I say it, is encouraging me to stay positive. I mean, just because normally this takes 2-3 cycles doesn't mean that God needs 2-3 cycles to work, right? I have to believe that a period before our appointment and then another one 34 days later is nothing less than divine intervention...especially for a girl that went 9 months having only 4.

We're fine, thanks for asking

Hello, Friends...

Rather than update after every assignment we completed, I figured I'd save it up and write one big post after all our assignments were completed and we had a plan...that, and time just got away from me and I forgot to write them:)

Since we last spoke, we found out that my fallopian tubes are free and clear (HSG test), I am not diabetic (Fasting Glucose Testing), I don't have any tumors (bloodwork) and my levels of free testosterone are consistent with someone with PCOS (more bloodwork). We also discovered that some of Demetri's boys are on the low end of normal with regards to their shape. Which leads us to our follow-up appointment yesterday.

I would like to preface all this by saying that when we sat down to speak with Dr. McKeeby and I apologized for the way I sounded - I wasn't getting choked up, I'm just fighting the head cold that won't die. He said not to worry about it and he'd already made two people cry this morning...my eyes got huge and then he said that he didn't think that was going to be the case here...oiy!

So, some more explanation and diagrams follow and he confirms it's PCOS for me and a low morphology for Demetri...not bad, but low end of normal. He definately recommends Clomid for me and indicates that it's up to us whether or not we prefer the timed intercourse method or just jump right into IUI. My first reaction was to just do the timed intercourse - so sad, but I kept thinking that it'd be cheaper :) He explained that the odds of getting pregnant increase using IUI - we'd be back to the "normal" odds of getting pregnant, which are 20%-25% each month for normal women, and that sometimes, on Clomid, a woman's cervical mucus starts to reject sperm - even if previously it hadn't - so they couldn't even get up there even if they wanted to. Still, we stuck to our guns about timed intercourse. I asked for Provera to help bring on a period (Clomid cycle starts on Day 1) and he readily agreed (YEA), but needed to do bloodwork and an ultrasound to double check to see if I've ovluated - funny, huh?

After the bloodwork and ultrasound - I'm going to have to remember to start shaving my legs before we go to these appointments - we meet with the finance lady and here's where things change. She reminds us that our insurance only covers diagnosing and as soon as we document things like Clomid, it becomes treatment and none of our visits are covered anymore. She also indicated that they don't really recognize timed intercourse as a treatment modality, it's all rolled up in the price of the Clomid/IUI treatment. So, even if you elect to do timed intercourse, you're still paying the same amount as you would be if you were doing the IUI. hmm...

So this isn't too much of a financial burden, they've worked out this fee schedule that's discounted a little bit that you basically "lock in" before you start. Otherwise, it's about $400 everytime you go for monitoring and even more for the actual procedures (upwards of $2000 every cycle) and this "locked in" rate would be $1200 for cycle 1, $1000 for cycle 2 and $800 for cycle 3 and every needed cycle after that. Statistically speaking, most people do not get pregnant the first cycle...some do, but the normal number of cycles for pregnancy is 2-3, so I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but hey, crazier things have happened.

My little engineer, practical husband decides in the finance lady's office that we'd be silly to pay for a procedure we're not having done (because this is how you pay for the Clomid monitoring stuff) and have a reduced chance of getting pregnant...so he says to her, we'll just do the IUI. What?! um ok. Southwest Airlines Rapid Reward Points, here we come!

Basically, here's what we agreed to -
Day 1 - call to say I started my period
Day 3 - bloodwork and ultrasound to check for cysts
Day 3 - 7 - Clomid each day
Day 9 - bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I've got any folicles that look promising
Day 11 - Hormone injection (at home) to induce actual ovulation
Day 13 - specimen delivery and 2-hours later, insemination
Day 28 - test to see if we're knocked up

It looks so simple on paper :) Oh, and if you'r curious, I did, in fact, ovluate this month and so they told me to hold off on the Provera to see if I have a period on my own again in the next 2 weeks - seriously? Let's just get this show on the road already!

And, if you're wondering, yes, I'm still trying to convince myself we're not paying for a baby and that just because our kid isn't concieved the old fashioned way, it's still our kid...so, if you have a free minute, a prayer on my behalf for those things would be much appreciated...that and a prayer that I'll have a period soon :)

Chocolate Chip Cookies

In our house, these are more than just delectable treats...they are apparently what my ovaries look like...more on that to come

Wednesday was our first appointment at Shady Grove Fertility. When we arrived at 8, the place was PACKED! I don't know what I expected, but didn't expect this...women (who looked like me - young, professional, fabulous, etc) were there with their husbands for the same reason we were being shuttled from one room to another for this reason and that reason by extremely plesant and perky medical staff.

We met with our Doctor around 8:45 after he'd had a few minutes to look at my chart and I gave him the short version of our story, which included our appointment with Dr. Frenchbread where she indicated that I did not have PCOS. In all seriousness, he looks at me and says "I don't know why she'd say that, because I think that's exactly what you have." Really?

He proceeds to explain this theory to us for the next 45 minutes using data from my chart and really rough drawings of my anatomy...what a refreshing explanation! Turns out not everyone is on the same page when it comes to the criteria for PCOS, which may be why Dr. Frenchbread thought otherwise. He was able to ascertain from my prior bloodwork that my body makes too much male hormones and the other hormone that turns those hormones into Estrogen (that makes you ovulate) isn't working right.

The three of us then met with our nurse, Stephanie, and discussed our case and next steps. Stephanie is the lucky gal that is going to see us through this next phase...no more calling and getting a different person each time...we get to call Stephanie directly!

Remember how I was wondering why in the world God gave me my period this weekend? Apparently it was so I could have a litany of bloodwork and tests done now, rather than a month from now after another Provera-induced period! While we were there, we were able to have an ultrasound done to scope me out down there - which is when we discovered my chocolate chip ovaries. Each ovary was filled with dark circles, which are apparently the cysts that I don't really have :) Even the doctor was surprised at how dark they were - he coined the chocolate chip cookie phrase (for those of you keeping track, I have a beautiful liver, perfect gall bladder, perfect thyroid and now, chocolate chip ovaries.)

In addition to the sonogram, Demetri and I both had blood drawn for infectious diseases, we're both starting Doxycycline, and I received prescription strength prenatal vitamins. Monday, I'm scheduled for fasting bloodwork to check my glucose levels, bloodwork checking my Testosterone levels and DHEA, as well as an HSG (this is the one I'm sort of not looking forward to). Demetri isn't off the hook either...no details, just know he's not off the hook :)

Once all these are completed, we'll have another appointment with the doctor to determine the treatment options. We're sort of being "over-diagnosed" as that's what our insurance covers...diagnosis, but no treatment, so before we begin a treatment regimen, he wanted to make sure he was absolutely sure what the issues were. Tenatively, it looks as though Clomid will be the treatment of choice, which he believes is all we'll need to get this baby-making machine up and running.

When we finally left the office around 11, I was feeling really positive (which SO isn't like me) and thankful for having taken that step to consult the experts. I'm kicking myself now for waiting so long!!!

More than a punctuation mark

A Period.

If you're a woman, this is so much more than a punctuation mark. It's...special. It's what defines you as a woman. It ruins weekends. It's a sigh of relief.

And, I had one all by myself this weekend! :)

In summary, this is the first period my body had all by itself since last February. The 4 I've had since the miscarriage have all been the result of 10-days on Provera, the most recent being on November 19th. That's right, folks...almost 60 days.

As I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but chuckle...our first fertility clinic appointment is Wednesday...hmm, wonder what we're being set up for???

Becoming my own worst nightmare

If you know me, you know that sarcasm is my spiritual gift.

If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.

If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.

However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...

So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:

I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.

As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...

Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!

Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...

Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)

We made the call

This Christmas season for us was relatively painless. We had a nice visit from my parents and one of my brothers and sister-in-law - which is always fun...complete with ice skating on the mall and the great cookie bake off...Dexter turned 5 and 2008 (possibly the worst year ever) finally came to a close.

In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.

They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...

Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.

This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.

Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...

I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?