This Christmas season for us was relatively painless. We had a nice visit from my parents and one of my brothers and sister-in-law - which is always fun...complete with ice skating on the mall and the great cookie bake off...Dexter turned 5 and 2008 (possibly the worst year ever) finally came to a close.
In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.
They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...
Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.
This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.
Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...
I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?
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