Becoming my own worst nightmare

If you know me, you know that sarcasm is my spiritual gift.

If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.

If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.

However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...

So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:

I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.

As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...

Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!

Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...

Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)