Still no period

wow - I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update...not my last rant and rave, mind you, but the last time I updated the faithful few on it :)

As you can tell from the heading, we are currently at the 2 month marker (today) of the "incident" and I still haven't had a period. This causes drama for several reasons. First, I'm basically hormonally miserable all the time. The combination of raging post-pregnancy hormones, grief that sneaks up on you and other internal issues that may or may not be related to PMS are enough to make a woman lose her mind. And I'm close to losing it, I can assure you.

Second, I have what feels like constant PMS...bloating, irritability, wierd sleep patterns, etc. Pants that fit before the "incident" no longer fit. There are days when I'm ravenous, and days when I'm not hungry at all. Some nights I sleep like the dead and others I'm awake everytime I roll over...discouraging.

Third - I fear that I may not have timed my ovulating days correctly and may in fact be pregnant again. This scenario will spawn what is sure to be the meltdown of all meltdowns...

I've been seeing Victoria for about a month now and words cannot express how glad I am that I called her. She's helped me see this from a different perspective. She did, however, mention this last time that I may actually be experiencing more than just grief, that it may be diagnosable depression. Fun.

About two weeks ago, I asked a friend that I work with (who is a nurse...) what she thought about my current situation. After she hugged me (!) she asked if she could pray for me (!) and then confirmed what we were planning to do. Here's the plan: I'm going to take another pregnancy test tomorrow, just to confirm that the one that was negative last weekend was correct, then try to see the doctor next week to fill them in on the drama.

If the test is still negative, I'm going to ask the doctor for some drugs (legal, I can assure you) to bring a period on - it's odd...normally, no one goes searching for these things :). Then we'll start over again. If the test is positive, we're still going to try and see the doctor to see if they can tell how "normal" the pregnancy is...oiy!

Make up

I've been thinking recently that it's about time I get over planning the "ideal" make-up conversation with God. So, on my way home on Friday, I started spitting out nonsense to Him. It didn't come out how I had it played in my mind, but the basic conversation was this - I hate that this happened, and I know You didn't do this on purpose, but there was no one else to blame and I wanted to be angry. But, I also know that I hate feeling this way, so, here's the deal - I'm down with Your plan...and we can make up now...or something along those lines.

Earlier in the day, Taegan shared these song lyrics with me...and I kind of skimmed over them, since I didn't recognize the song. On Friday evening, she gave me the song to listen to...I had two reactions...the first was she's paying rent now :) and the second was how come I couldn't think of this to say?! Here are the lyrics...and here's where you can hear the song..

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something HeavenlySomething Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Mother's Day Weekend

A quick note to say that I survived Mother’s day relatively unscathed. The only time I came a bit unglued was during our Sunday Morning show, when they had a little commentary piece about the song “Baby mine, don’t you cry.” Also, no one said anything inappropriate, or really even brought it up, so that’s helpful.

Friday and Sunday I felt like I may have been having cramps, but nothing yet, so that’s a little discouraging. I think that this week might be “the week” so I’m ready…really ready, actually, to get this one over with…never thought I’d be this excited to have a period before. It did cross my mind, however, that maybe I was a little to casual with my BBT and cervical mucus watch and that maybe I’m not having a period yet because we’re accidentally pregnant again…I don’t think it’s true, and I hesitate even saying it outloud, but I had to get it off my mind.

I am re-believing that prayer works, because this weekend with Demetri’s family was one of the nicest we’ve had thus far. So, my over anxiety and planning for the worst philosophy worked…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be J I do realize, though, that there’s no way I got through this weekend, or this month even, without being prayed for, so whoever you are, where ever you are, I’m grateful.

Coming up...

This particular post is going to be a little science experiment. Were getting ready to go to Fort Worth this weekend to spend some time with Demetri's family and I'm having some pretty serious angst with it. So, I'm going to try and write them all out and see if that helps me feel better.

Given the debacle that was Thanksgiving, any event that involves time with Demetri's mother causes legitimate anxiety in my chest. Not the normal "oh, I have to go spend time with my in-laws" kind of anxiety, but real, honest to goodness "what will she do this time" anxiety. There are so many unknowns that surround time with her that the control freak in me panics because I can't know how to prepare for what she'll do, what she'll say, what's going to happen when she pitches a fit, or, in the case of Thanksgiving, chokes on something.

It's quite un-nerving...even to the point where the last few days have been pretty tense between Demetri and I. He's seems so calm about it all, but I just know that when we get there, she'll antagonize him for a few hours, he'll snap at her, she'll cry and he'll disengage for a while - I don't blame him for that because he puts up with her for longer than I would - but the time that he's disengaged means that she turns my way and then I panic. I panic because I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to hold the same line that Demetri would, but it's like when you get a dog and you've never had a dog before...you're just clueless on how to handle things. My only hope lies in YiaYia. Demetri's Grandmother is going to meet us there, so I can only hope that his mother will cooperate a little better with her mother around to snap her back into acting right.

Here is the other reason I am not feeling so hot about this weekend. It's Mother's Day. I have a Mother, I love my Mother, but I am not a Mother anymore. Who knows, it may come and go and I will be surprisingly okay with it. Or, it will come, I will feel like crap, and instead of being able to stay in bed all day and pretend it's any normal Sunday, I will have to go and celebrate the day with my Mother-in-law, my Grandmother-in-law, and Maria Christina's Mother-in-law. I'm bracing for whatever Demetri's mother may say in an attempt to try and make me feel better but will actually come out horribly wrong and for any looks of pathetic sympathy that may come our direction...this just sucks.

I will try and focus on the fact that my own mother will be coming on the 17th and that when we are watching TV at my house, I will lay my head in her lap and she'll pet my head.

An update for the faithful following

I want you to know that if you know me/us and are reading this blog, I don't know about it - except for you Danielle :) I didn't tell anyone about it, so if you've found this by accident or by snooping - HI!

Not much to report in the grief department...i think it's because I'm avoiding it. I've managed to completely pack the next 2 weeks or so, so I don't really have to think about it.

~Friday we're leaving for Texas to spend the weekend with the inlaws...enough said
~We get back on Monday and then Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be in Gaithersburg for a work retreat
~Thursday is the pre-meeting for Relay For Life (our smallgroup is doing this as a service project/outreach)
~Friday is the Relay for Life
~Saturday morning my parents are coming into town for the weekend - they leave Monday

So, it's probably a good thing that Demetri and I are scheduled to meet with Victoria (together) on Tuesday :)

1 month down

Today marks one month since our little incident. I can't help but think about what it would be like to be 11 or so weeks pregnant. How bad would my boobs be hurting now? Would I still fit into my clothes? I try not to dwell, but still, I think these things.

I made myself do two things this last week to attempt to move on. I left a "we're so excited for you" note on my friends desk (the friend who started telling people last week that they were pregnant) and Demetri and I went and bought a little boy outfit for our friends who are having their shower on Saturday. I'm not going, but a friend is bringing the gift for me.

To help in the "control" department, I've started charting my basal body temperature. It's been helpful in that it has allowed me/us to feel like we are "still in the game" as well as determine the days I'm ovulating, since we're trying to avoid those days this month. I still haven't had a period yet, so I have no idea how many days my cycle is going to be...hence, BBT.

I purchased an old Hoosier Cabinet last weekend...I need a project to distract me. So, I began the refurbishing process...when I remember I'll post photos on the other blog.

All in all, I'm surviving...we're surviving