Hello all...I send greetings to you from day number 4. yes, that's right faithful blog followers...the period we all prayed for showed up on Thursday - with a vengence which made me question my excitement about having a second all by myself. And, as instructed, had a Day 3 appointment on Saturday. Once again, ultrasound and bloodwork just to make sure I'm on the right track, but this time, rather than Demetri, by Sister-in-law went with me (she was in town this weekend) and she's "fascinated" by all this fertility stuff, so we were very purposeful to tell people she was my SIL, and we weren't there "together". :)
Upon examination, the tech found 17 "potential" follicles in my right ovary and 9 in my left...didn't know if that was good or bad until I mentioned to the number to the nurse and she was very excited and said that 26 was a "great" number...overachiever, that's me. We learned that my little egg lives in these follicles and the follicle is what grows before ovulation...ovulation occurs when the follicle bursts and releases the egg and Clomid helps the follicles grow. (very much paraphrased from the nurse and the internet.)
I received a call late yesterday afternoon that cleared me to begin the Clomid and take every day until Wednesday. We have an appointment on Sunday, March 1st to see how many follicles grew like they were supposed to (1-2 is good....8 is not so good :)) and if there are the right number of potential candidates, then we'll take the shot and to in on Tuesday the 3rd for Operation Turkey Baster.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I find that I have this underlying calm about this whole thing that, dare I say it, is encouraging me to stay positive. I mean, just because normally this takes 2-3 cycles doesn't mean that God needs 2-3 cycles to work, right? I have to believe that a period before our appointment and then another one 34 days later is nothing less than divine intervention...especially for a girl that went 9 months having only 4.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
We're fine, thanks for asking
Hello, Friends...
Rather than update after every assignment we completed, I figured I'd save it up and write one big post after all our assignments were completed and we had a plan...that, and time just got away from me and I forgot to write them:)
Since we last spoke, we found out that my fallopian tubes are free and clear (HSG test), I am not diabetic (Fasting Glucose Testing), I don't have any tumors (bloodwork) and my levels of free testosterone are consistent with someone with PCOS (more bloodwork). We also discovered that some of Demetri's boys are on the low end of normal with regards to their shape. Which leads us to our follow-up appointment yesterday.
I would like to preface all this by saying that when we sat down to speak with Dr. McKeeby and I apologized for the way I sounded - I wasn't getting choked up, I'm just fighting the head cold that won't die. He said not to worry about it and he'd already made two people cry this morning...my eyes got huge and then he said that he didn't think that was going to be the case here...oiy!
So, some more explanation and diagrams follow and he confirms it's PCOS for me and a low morphology for Demetri...not bad, but low end of normal. He definately recommends Clomid for me and indicates that it's up to us whether or not we prefer the timed intercourse method or just jump right into IUI. My first reaction was to just do the timed intercourse - so sad, but I kept thinking that it'd be cheaper :) He explained that the odds of getting pregnant increase using IUI - we'd be back to the "normal" odds of getting pregnant, which are 20%-25% each month for normal women, and that sometimes, on Clomid, a woman's cervical mucus starts to reject sperm - even if previously it hadn't - so they couldn't even get up there even if they wanted to. Still, we stuck to our guns about timed intercourse. I asked for Provera to help bring on a period (Clomid cycle starts on Day 1) and he readily agreed (YEA), but needed to do bloodwork and an ultrasound to double check to see if I've ovluated - funny, huh?
After the bloodwork and ultrasound - I'm going to have to remember to start shaving my legs before we go to these appointments - we meet with the finance lady and here's where things change. She reminds us that our insurance only covers diagnosing and as soon as we document things like Clomid, it becomes treatment and none of our visits are covered anymore. She also indicated that they don't really recognize timed intercourse as a treatment modality, it's all rolled up in the price of the Clomid/IUI treatment. So, even if you elect to do timed intercourse, you're still paying the same amount as you would be if you were doing the IUI. hmm...
So this isn't too much of a financial burden, they've worked out this fee schedule that's discounted a little bit that you basically "lock in" before you start. Otherwise, it's about $400 everytime you go for monitoring and even more for the actual procedures (upwards of $2000 every cycle) and this "locked in" rate would be $1200 for cycle 1, $1000 for cycle 2 and $800 for cycle 3 and every needed cycle after that. Statistically speaking, most people do not get pregnant the first cycle...some do, but the normal number of cycles for pregnancy is 2-3, so I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but hey, crazier things have happened.
My little engineer, practical husband decides in the finance lady's office that we'd be silly to pay for a procedure we're not having done (because this is how you pay for the Clomid monitoring stuff) and have a reduced chance of getting pregnant...so he says to her, we'll just do the IUI. What?! um ok. Southwest Airlines Rapid Reward Points, here we come!
Basically, here's what we agreed to -
Day 1 - call to say I started my period
Day 3 - bloodwork and ultrasound to check for cysts
Day 3 - 7 - Clomid each day
Day 9 - bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I've got any folicles that look promising
Day 11 - Hormone injection (at home) to induce actual ovulation
Day 13 - specimen delivery and 2-hours later, insemination
Day 28 - test to see if we're knocked up
It looks so simple on paper :) Oh, and if you'r curious, I did, in fact, ovluate this month and so they told me to hold off on the Provera to see if I have a period on my own again in the next 2 weeks - seriously? Let's just get this show on the road already!
And, if you're wondering, yes, I'm still trying to convince myself we're not paying for a baby and that just because our kid isn't concieved the old fashioned way, it's still our kid...so, if you have a free minute, a prayer on my behalf for those things would be much appreciated...that and a prayer that I'll have a period soon :)
Rather than update after every assignment we completed, I figured I'd save it up and write one big post after all our assignments were completed and we had a plan...that, and time just got away from me and I forgot to write them:)
Since we last spoke, we found out that my fallopian tubes are free and clear (HSG test), I am not diabetic (Fasting Glucose Testing), I don't have any tumors (bloodwork) and my levels of free testosterone are consistent with someone with PCOS (more bloodwork). We also discovered that some of Demetri's boys are on the low end of normal with regards to their shape. Which leads us to our follow-up appointment yesterday.
I would like to preface all this by saying that when we sat down to speak with Dr. McKeeby and I apologized for the way I sounded - I wasn't getting choked up, I'm just fighting the head cold that won't die. He said not to worry about it and he'd already made two people cry this morning...my eyes got huge and then he said that he didn't think that was going to be the case here...oiy!
So, some more explanation and diagrams follow and he confirms it's PCOS for me and a low morphology for Demetri...not bad, but low end of normal. He definately recommends Clomid for me and indicates that it's up to us whether or not we prefer the timed intercourse method or just jump right into IUI. My first reaction was to just do the timed intercourse - so sad, but I kept thinking that it'd be cheaper :) He explained that the odds of getting pregnant increase using IUI - we'd be back to the "normal" odds of getting pregnant, which are 20%-25% each month for normal women, and that sometimes, on Clomid, a woman's cervical mucus starts to reject sperm - even if previously it hadn't - so they couldn't even get up there even if they wanted to. Still, we stuck to our guns about timed intercourse. I asked for Provera to help bring on a period (Clomid cycle starts on Day 1) and he readily agreed (YEA), but needed to do bloodwork and an ultrasound to double check to see if I've ovluated - funny, huh?
After the bloodwork and ultrasound - I'm going to have to remember to start shaving my legs before we go to these appointments - we meet with the finance lady and here's where things change. She reminds us that our insurance only covers diagnosing and as soon as we document things like Clomid, it becomes treatment and none of our visits are covered anymore. She also indicated that they don't really recognize timed intercourse as a treatment modality, it's all rolled up in the price of the Clomid/IUI treatment. So, even if you elect to do timed intercourse, you're still paying the same amount as you would be if you were doing the IUI. hmm...
So this isn't too much of a financial burden, they've worked out this fee schedule that's discounted a little bit that you basically "lock in" before you start. Otherwise, it's about $400 everytime you go for monitoring and even more for the actual procedures (upwards of $2000 every cycle) and this "locked in" rate would be $1200 for cycle 1, $1000 for cycle 2 and $800 for cycle 3 and every needed cycle after that. Statistically speaking, most people do not get pregnant the first cycle...some do, but the normal number of cycles for pregnancy is 2-3, so I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but hey, crazier things have happened.
My little engineer, practical husband decides in the finance lady's office that we'd be silly to pay for a procedure we're not having done (because this is how you pay for the Clomid monitoring stuff) and have a reduced chance of getting pregnant...so he says to her, we'll just do the IUI. What?! um ok. Southwest Airlines Rapid Reward Points, here we come!
Basically, here's what we agreed to -
Day 1 - call to say I started my period
Day 3 - bloodwork and ultrasound to check for cysts
Day 3 - 7 - Clomid each day
Day 9 - bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I've got any folicles that look promising
Day 11 - Hormone injection (at home) to induce actual ovulation
Day 13 - specimen delivery and 2-hours later, insemination
Day 28 - test to see if we're knocked up
It looks so simple on paper :) Oh, and if you'r curious, I did, in fact, ovluate this month and so they told me to hold off on the Provera to see if I have a period on my own again in the next 2 weeks - seriously? Let's just get this show on the road already!
And, if you're wondering, yes, I'm still trying to convince myself we're not paying for a baby and that just because our kid isn't concieved the old fashioned way, it's still our kid...so, if you have a free minute, a prayer on my behalf for those things would be much appreciated...that and a prayer that I'll have a period soon :)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Chocolate Chip Cookies
In our house, these are more than just delectable treats...they are apparently what my ovaries look like...more on that to come
Wednesday was our first appointment at Shady Grove Fertility. When we arrived at 8, the place was PACKED! I don't know what I expected, but didn't expect this...women (who looked like me - young, professional, fabulous, etc) were there with their husbands for the same reason we were being shuttled from one room to another for this reason and that reason by extremely plesant and perky medical staff.
We met with our Doctor around 8:45 after he'd had a few minutes to look at my chart and I gave him the short version of our story, which included our appointment with Dr. Frenchbread where she indicated that I did not have PCOS. In all seriousness, he looks at me and says "I don't know why she'd say that, because I think that's exactly what you have." Really?
He proceeds to explain this theory to us for the next 45 minutes using data from my chart and really rough drawings of my anatomy...what a refreshing explanation! Turns out not everyone is on the same page when it comes to the criteria for PCOS, which may be why Dr. Frenchbread thought otherwise. He was able to ascertain from my prior bloodwork that my body makes too much male hormones and the other hormone that turns those hormones into Estrogen (that makes you ovulate) isn't working right.
The three of us then met with our nurse, Stephanie, and discussed our case and next steps. Stephanie is the lucky gal that is going to see us through this next phase...no more calling and getting a different person each time...we get to call Stephanie directly!
Remember how I was wondering why in the world God gave me my period this weekend? Apparently it was so I could have a litany of bloodwork and tests done now, rather than a month from now after another Provera-induced period! While we were there, we were able to have an ultrasound done to scope me out down there - which is when we discovered my chocolate chip ovaries. Each ovary was filled with dark circles, which are apparently the cysts that I don't really have :) Even the doctor was surprised at how dark they were - he coined the chocolate chip cookie phrase (for those of you keeping track, I have a beautiful liver, perfect gall bladder, perfect thyroid and now, chocolate chip ovaries.)
In addition to the sonogram, Demetri and I both had blood drawn for infectious diseases, we're both starting Doxycycline, and I received prescription strength prenatal vitamins. Monday, I'm scheduled for fasting bloodwork to check my glucose levels, bloodwork checking my Testosterone levels and DHEA, as well as an HSG (this is the one I'm sort of not looking forward to). Demetri isn't off the hook either...no details, just know he's not off the hook :)
Once all these are completed, we'll have another appointment with the doctor to determine the treatment options. We're sort of being "over-diagnosed" as that's what our insurance covers...diagnosis, but no treatment, so before we begin a treatment regimen, he wanted to make sure he was absolutely sure what the issues were. Tenatively, it looks as though Clomid will be the treatment of choice, which he believes is all we'll need to get this baby-making machine up and running.
When we finally left the office around 11, I was feeling really positive (which SO isn't like me) and thankful for having taken that step to consult the experts. I'm kicking myself now for waiting so long!!!
Wednesday was our first appointment at Shady Grove Fertility. When we arrived at 8, the place was PACKED! I don't know what I expected, but didn't expect this...women (who looked like me - young, professional, fabulous, etc) were there with their husbands for the same reason we were being shuttled from one room to another for this reason and that reason by extremely plesant and perky medical staff.
We met with our Doctor around 8:45 after he'd had a few minutes to look at my chart and I gave him the short version of our story, which included our appointment with Dr. Frenchbread where she indicated that I did not have PCOS. In all seriousness, he looks at me and says "I don't know why she'd say that, because I think that's exactly what you have." Really?
He proceeds to explain this theory to us for the next 45 minutes using data from my chart and really rough drawings of my anatomy...what a refreshing explanation! Turns out not everyone is on the same page when it comes to the criteria for PCOS, which may be why Dr. Frenchbread thought otherwise. He was able to ascertain from my prior bloodwork that my body makes too much male hormones and the other hormone that turns those hormones into Estrogen (that makes you ovulate) isn't working right.
The three of us then met with our nurse, Stephanie, and discussed our case and next steps. Stephanie is the lucky gal that is going to see us through this next phase...no more calling and getting a different person each time...we get to call Stephanie directly!
Remember how I was wondering why in the world God gave me my period this weekend? Apparently it was so I could have a litany of bloodwork and tests done now, rather than a month from now after another Provera-induced period! While we were there, we were able to have an ultrasound done to scope me out down there - which is when we discovered my chocolate chip ovaries. Each ovary was filled with dark circles, which are apparently the cysts that I don't really have :) Even the doctor was surprised at how dark they were - he coined the chocolate chip cookie phrase (for those of you keeping track, I have a beautiful liver, perfect gall bladder, perfect thyroid and now, chocolate chip ovaries.)
In addition to the sonogram, Demetri and I both had blood drawn for infectious diseases, we're both starting Doxycycline, and I received prescription strength prenatal vitamins. Monday, I'm scheduled for fasting bloodwork to check my glucose levels, bloodwork checking my Testosterone levels and DHEA, as well as an HSG (this is the one I'm sort of not looking forward to). Demetri isn't off the hook either...no details, just know he's not off the hook :)
Once all these are completed, we'll have another appointment with the doctor to determine the treatment options. We're sort of being "over-diagnosed" as that's what our insurance covers...diagnosis, but no treatment, so before we begin a treatment regimen, he wanted to make sure he was absolutely sure what the issues were. Tenatively, it looks as though Clomid will be the treatment of choice, which he believes is all we'll need to get this baby-making machine up and running.
When we finally left the office around 11, I was feeling really positive (which SO isn't like me) and thankful for having taken that step to consult the experts. I'm kicking myself now for waiting so long!!!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
More than a punctuation mark
A Period.
If you're a woman, this is so much more than a punctuation mark. It's...special. It's what defines you as a woman. It ruins weekends. It's a sigh of relief.
And, I had one all by myself this weekend! :)
In summary, this is the first period my body had all by itself since last February. The 4 I've had since the miscarriage have all been the result of 10-days on Provera, the most recent being on November 19th. That's right, folks...almost 60 days.
As I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but chuckle...our first fertility clinic appointment is Wednesday...hmm, wonder what we're being set up for???
If you're a woman, this is so much more than a punctuation mark. It's...special. It's what defines you as a woman. It ruins weekends. It's a sigh of relief.
And, I had one all by myself this weekend! :)
In summary, this is the first period my body had all by itself since last February. The 4 I've had since the miscarriage have all been the result of 10-days on Provera, the most recent being on November 19th. That's right, folks...almost 60 days.
As I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but chuckle...our first fertility clinic appointment is Wednesday...hmm, wonder what we're being set up for???
Monday, January 12, 2009
Becoming my own worst nightmare
If you know me, you know that sarcasm is my spiritual gift.
If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.
If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.
However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...
So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:
I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.
As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...
Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!
Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...
Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)
If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.
If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.
However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...
So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:
I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.
As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...
Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!
Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...
Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
We made the call
This Christmas season for us was relatively painless. We had a nice visit from my parents and one of my brothers and sister-in-law - which is always fun...complete with ice skating on the mall and the great cookie bake off...Dexter turned 5 and 2008 (possibly the worst year ever) finally came to a close.
In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.
They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...
Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.
This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.
Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...
I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?
In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.
They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...
Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.
This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.
Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...
I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Update on my ovaries
Last Monday, Demetri and I went to see the Endocrinologist regarding this hormone problem I'm having with my ovaries. Dr. Frenchbread (as she will be referred to throughout this post) was pleasant enough, but as she stepped out of the room so I could put my clothes on, we both felt like she was going to come back in and ask us what we were doing there...which she basically did. During our appointment she asked all kinds of questions about and around the "symptoms" of PCOS. She would just nod and type...very un-emotional in a typically French way (she was actually French, by the way).
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)