OMG! Has it really been one month since I dropped a note? apparently
So, quickly - here's our status:
~Today is day 27. The weekend of 10/3 we went to Lexington, VA, for Demetri's 10th college reunion, where - as my mother put it- we were like rabbits...didn't know we'd be ovulating, but discovered about halfway through the weekend that we were. Yea! except now, I'm psychotically aware of every ache and pain my body is making and secretly holding my breath that day 28 will come and go, so will day 35 and then there will be two pink lines on a stick all the while trying to play it cool and be excited that even if we're not preggers, that this means my body is finally getting back to normal.
~We went camping last weekend and I skipped the 4.5 mile hike as, according to all the "literature" that was the time that our little egg/sperm combo would have implanted...so, we agreed that avoiding the activity might be best. I'm 50% sure that I'll feel pretty silly about that decision in 2 weeks, but it was nice to have 2 and a half hours to myself outside in the great weather. Thanks do Danielle (holla!), however, I feel free to be as silly as I want to about these types of decisions - as long as I'm comfortable :)
~This does mean, however, that poor Demetri is doing some extra heavy lifting...he helped hang new curtains, change the sheets and schelped all the laundry upstairs. It's hard consciously making a choice to not do the things you know you'd normally be capable of doing in hopes of increasing your chances of the combo sticking. I'd dare to say it's humbling.
So - I belive that's the latest and greatest...I'll be sure to let you know how the next 7 days works out.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friends
My my, has it really been this long since I've updated my faithful few? apparently time flies when you're on the pill again.
yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.
Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.
In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.
But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?
I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!
yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.
Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.
In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.
But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?
I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!
Monday, August 4, 2008
The accuracy of home tests
Apparently, they're pretty right on and all my wishful thinking couldn't get one line to turn into two...
My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.
I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.
I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.
They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!
Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!
Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.
My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.
I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.
I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.
They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!
Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!
Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.
Friday, August 1, 2008
One stupid pink line
Only one stupid pink line on the test this morning - so back to the blood test. Having it drawn today, so we'll have to wait a few more days.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I hate tardiness
Hello stalkers - just a note to let you all know that I am 7 days late and the test I took on Thursday was negative. So, we're going to wait until Friday, and if I haven't started, we'll take another test. Friday is also Demetri's birthday, so we're keeping our fingers crossed for some happy birthday news!
As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.
As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.
Monday, July 21, 2008
1 step forward...
As an update to my last post, things are not apparently progressing as well as I had hoped.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.
Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.
I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.
So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.
So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.
I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So, what's new?
Faithful Stalkers - thanks for checking back with me :) I hadn't realized it had been almost a month since my last post - my apologies...quite a bit has happened, so I won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know the whole story, just ask...
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.
I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.
So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.
So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.
And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!
In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.
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