A Period.
If you're a woman, this is so much more than a punctuation mark. It's...special. It's what defines you as a woman. It ruins weekends. It's a sigh of relief.
And, I had one all by myself this weekend! :)
In summary, this is the first period my body had all by itself since last February. The 4 I've had since the miscarriage have all been the result of 10-days on Provera, the most recent being on November 19th. That's right, folks...almost 60 days.
As I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but chuckle...our first fertility clinic appointment is Wednesday...hmm, wonder what we're being set up for???
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Becoming my own worst nightmare
If you know me, you know that sarcasm is my spiritual gift.
If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.
If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.
However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...
So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:
I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.
As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...
Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!
Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...
Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)
If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.
If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.
However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...
So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:
I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.
As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...
Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!
Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...
Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
We made the call
This Christmas season for us was relatively painless. We had a nice visit from my parents and one of my brothers and sister-in-law - which is always fun...complete with ice skating on the mall and the great cookie bake off...Dexter turned 5 and 2008 (possibly the worst year ever) finally came to a close.
In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.
They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...
Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.
This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.
Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...
I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?
In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.
They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...
Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.
This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.
Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...
I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?
Monday, December 1, 2008
Update on my ovaries
Last Monday, Demetri and I went to see the Endocrinologist regarding this hormone problem I'm having with my ovaries. Dr. Frenchbread (as she will be referred to throughout this post) was pleasant enough, but as she stepped out of the room so I could put my clothes on, we both felt like she was going to come back in and ask us what we were doing there...which she basically did. During our appointment she asked all kinds of questions about and around the "symptoms" of PCOS. She would just nod and type...very un-emotional in a typically French way (she was actually French, by the way).
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?
Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)
Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...
Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Can't remember what I was going to say
I finally have a free 20 minutes to sit and "blog it out," as my husband would say, and now I can't remember what I was going to say :)
I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.
I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.
Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.
A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)
Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.
I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.
I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.
I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.
Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.
A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)
Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.
I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Yes, Anelle, I Pray...
The cry (or scream) of my heart these last few days...I can't claim that I wrote this, but whoever did, wrote it for me...I added the emphasis.
It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!
I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.
Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.
It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!
I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.
Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.
Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.
Friday, November 7, 2008
[Insert exasperated noise here]
I had my annual exam yesterday - which also included a "why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant" conversation. Background: my doctor's appointment was on day 49 of my cycle...no period and only one pink line. I love my GYN, so I wasn't panicked too much about having to have this conversation. She was super sweet and attentive and thorough...she checked for some thyroid conditions and proceeded with the exam. Then she said the two words that no one that's trying to get pregnant wants to hear..."fertility clinic."
Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)
*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."
I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.
Just when you think this can't get better, it does.
Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)
*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."
I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.
Just when you think this can't get better, it does.
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