Can't remember what I was going to say

I finally have a free 20 minutes to sit and "blog it out," as my husband would say, and now I can't remember what I was going to say :)

I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.

I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.

Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.

A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.

I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.

Yes, Anelle, I Pray...

The cry (or scream) of my heart these last few days...I can't claim that I wrote this, but whoever did, wrote it for me...I added the emphasis.

It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!

I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.

[Insert exasperated noise here]

I had my annual exam yesterday - which also included a "why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant" conversation. Background: my doctor's appointment was on day 49 of my cycle...no period and only one pink line. I love my GYN, so I wasn't panicked too much about having to have this conversation. She was super sweet and attentive and thorough...she checked for some thyroid conditions and proceeded with the exam. Then she said the two words that no one that's trying to get pregnant wants to hear..."fertility clinic."

Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)

*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."

I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.

Just when you think this can't get better, it does.

Fire Me

OMG! Has it really been one month since I dropped a note? apparently

So, quickly - here's our status:
~Today is day 27. The weekend of 10/3 we went to Lexington, VA, for Demetri's 10th college reunion, where - as my mother put it- we were like rabbits...didn't know we'd be ovulating, but discovered about halfway through the weekend that we were. Yea! except now, I'm psychotically aware of every ache and pain my body is making and secretly holding my breath that day 28 will come and go, so will day 35 and then there will be two pink lines on a stick all the while trying to play it cool and be excited that even if we're not preggers, that this means my body is finally getting back to normal.

~We went camping last weekend and I skipped the 4.5 mile hike as, according to all the "literature" that was the time that our little egg/sperm combo would have implanted...so, we agreed that avoiding the activity might be best. I'm 50% sure that I'll feel pretty silly about that decision in 2 weeks, but it was nice to have 2 and a half hours to myself outside in the great weather. Thanks do Danielle (holla!), however, I feel free to be as silly as I want to about these types of decisions - as long as I'm comfortable :)

~This does mean, however, that poor Demetri is doing some extra heavy lifting...he helped hang new curtains, change the sheets and schelped all the laundry upstairs. It's hard consciously making a choice to not do the things you know you'd normally be capable of doing in hopes of increasing your chances of the combo sticking. I'd dare to say it's humbling.

So - I belive that's the latest and greatest...I'll be sure to let you know how the next 7 days works out.

Friends

My my, has it really been this long since I've updated my faithful few? apparently time flies when you're on the pill again.

yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.

Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.

In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.

But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?

I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!

The accuracy of home tests

Apparently, they're pretty right on and all my wishful thinking couldn't get one line to turn into two...

My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.

I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.

I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.

They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!

Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!

Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.

One stupid pink line

Only one stupid pink line on the test this morning - so back to the blood test. Having it drawn today, so we'll have to wait a few more days.