Who knew trying to make a family would be so hard?

Barrett James - his Birthday

2009-11-28T16:20:00.004-05:00

I recognize I'm about 2-weeks late in posting the story, but cut me some slack...I now have a newborn :)

Our anniversary is November 10th...we went out for a nice dinner, but I'd been battling what I thought was heartburn all day...the pain started just to the left of my sternum and just never really went away. By Thursday evening (the 12th) I was more convinced it was actually a pinched nerve...the pain now began under my left rib cage, traveled up my sternum and over my shoulder to the bottom of my shoulder blade. Initially it hurt to move, or take a deep breath...at dinner that evening Danielle was suggesting a massage was in order, which I made a note to call and schedule the next day when I was at work.

Around 11:30, after I'd been asleep for about 2 hours, I woke up in such pain, I almost couldn't stand it. It was hard to get comfortable lying down or sitting up, so I attempted to sleep in the chair - no success - and then tried the couch - success for about 2 hours.

When I woke up at 1:30, I hurt so bad I was in tears (literally) and managed to get myself upstairs to wake Demetri up - who promptly sat up when I said "I need you to take me to the ER!"...then I quickly clarified that it wasn't because I was having contractions, but rather I was in some serious pain. After calming me down, we decided the more sensible thing to do would be to call the OB and explain what was going on. Well, as soon as you describe any kind of pain that you're having in your chest, you get moved to the front of the line...so at 2:00 in the morning, we found ourselves on our way to the hospital to get checked out. When we left the house, in the back of my mind, I was thinking how funny it would be if we actually had a baby that night, one week before our scheduled C-section (the 20th) and two weeks before the baby's due date (the 26th)...but convinced myself that wouldn't happen, because I wasn't having contractions.

After we arrived at the hospital, I had some blood drawn and was attached to a baby monitor, just in case. The doctor checks my shoulder out and is in the process of concurring with my self-diagnosis of a pinched nerve when babe's heartbeat drops from 140 to 80. The doctor called for oxygen and before I knew it, I was swarmed by 6 nurses and was being rolled from side to side (PAINFULL!) to get babe to cooperate. Doc says "if that happens again, we're having a birthday party today." Sure enough, babe does it again, so Doc says "we're having a baby tonight." I say "Seriously?!" Demetri says "Do you think we should call your parents?" I say "um, yes"

about 30 minutes later, I was on the OR table with a FABULOUS epidural, hearing Demetri say through his OR mask "Stinker, it's a boy!!!!"

November 13, 2009 at 3:36 am
7lbs, 11oz, 20.4 inches long.

From Baby_Facebook

Stubborn like Dad

2009-11-03T15:42:00.002-05:00

or, at least I'm attributing this characteristic to Dad :)

Our weekly appointments began yesterday. I'm down about a half a pound (i KNEW it was fluid!) and measuring at 38 weeks (week 37 isn't until Thursday). As she was wrapping up the exam, I asked if she could tell what part of baby I was feeling underneath my right rib cage...it gets REALLY firm (and actually quite painful) and I wasn't sure if it was baby head or baby butt. She felt around and couldn't tell either, so she wheeled in the ole ultrasound machine and sure enough, it's baby head. At week 36/37, baby head should be down, not up...

so, we have two options - External Cephalic Version (basically, manually trying to flip baby by manipulating mom's belly). Risks include contractions, early labor, breaking water and/or emergency c-section. and, apparently, it hurts.

Option two is a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, since odds of baby flipping this late in the game aren't good.

After much deliberation (and advice from several folks), we opted for the scheduled c-section. Not exactly glamorous and sort of eliminates the possibility of the middle of the night hospital run, but the scheduler in me has relaxed :) Don't have the date yet, and we may keep that a surprise, but that's our 36/37 week update :)

More things I can't do anymore

2009-10-28T11:15:00.003-04:00

I know the baby blogging has been a little slack lately, but give me a break - 35 weeks preggo can take it out of you!

I will take a moment, however, and update you on the "list of things I cannot do anymore"

~wear any shoes other than Crocs

~see my ankle bones

~tie shoelaces (my hiking boots also fit, but require Demetri's help to tie them)

~sit without propping my feet up

~walk for an extended period of time (i.e. 5 minutes) without using the "hand hammock" (hands clasped underneath the belly for a little extra support)

It should also be noted that I haven't been able to wear my own wedding band since week 15 or so...since then, I've outgrown two other rings and am now on one that used to belong to my Grandpa...

In other news - we're down to weekly appointments (usually on Monday mornings)...on 10/26 we had no "action" down there, which I'm okay with because at 35 1/2 weeks, there shouldn't be any action...I also learned that I gained 6 lbs over the previous two weeks, but it's most likely due to the water retention...my calves sort of vomited all over my feet, which is why crocs are the only things that fit. So with the addition of this 6lbs, my grand total since week 1 is about 39 lbs...not super excited about that, but Danielle promises to "help" me take the weight off. Something about seeing your weight on a scale begin with a 2 is both a motivator and a de-motivator all at the same time.

30 Weeks

2009-09-29T22:07:00.002-04:00

about a week and a half over due, but here are the pictures from our last ultrasound (last in that it was our most recent and last in that we don't have anymore scheduled). My parents were in town, so they were able to come back with us and see the baby in "real life"

From Baby

Belly full of baby

2009-09-01T08:48:00.001-04:00

I'm in Motherhood Maternity Sunday afternoon and the following takes place:

Sales Lady: Hi, can I help you?

Me: Yes, do you all sell nursing bras?

Sales Lady: Yes, we do...when are you due?

Me: End of November - Thanksgiving

Sales Lady stops walking, turns around and looks at me and says: Are you having twins?

Me: No

Sales Lady: Wow, cause you are all belly!

Me: Um, thanks...

26 Weeks

2009-08-24T11:34:00.001-04:00

A fun surprise today at the doctor - 4D shots!!! They were too cool not to share!

baby weighs about 2.3 lbs - which is on par for 27 weeks - which I'll be on Thursday, so babe is a little big, but maybe that means he/she can come early. Kidneys are still a bit bigger than they'd like (but no bigger than last time) and there seems to be a bit of urine reflux hanging out around the kidneys...this normally heals itself either in the womb or shortly after birth, but there's no "anatomical" blockage down there, so the doctor wasn't too concerned...just means we get to go back in a month :)

Oh, and so you know, the doctor also relayed that more and more people are opting not to find out what the sex is...in his words "there aren't enough pleasant surprises in life" :) So - all you pregnant ladies - STAY STRONG! don't give into the pressure to find out :)

Things I cannot do anymore

2009-08-21T10:07:00.002-04:00

This is in no way meant to be a complaint, rather an interesting take on what actually happens during pregnancy that no one really tells you

~ see my toes

~ bend over to touch my toes - ok, well actually it's more like bending over to touch my ankles, cause who am I kidding...I don't remember the last time I could touch my toes

~ laugh without "leaking"

~ sit or stand for more than 2 hours at a time

~ lift a small child

~ stain a deck (long story)

~ sit straight up from a lying position - this now resembles some sort of roll move and a sideways push-up

~ sleep through the night

~ deal with stress

~ take a nap...you'd think this would be a no brainer, but somehow, the mid-afternoon nap eludes me

19 weeks

2009-07-04T14:40:00.002-04:00

We still don't know what we're having, so don't ask :)

We went back for our follow-up ultrasound on Thursday and got to see our "perfect" baby (doc's words, not ours :)) He wants to check again in 6 weeks...having a rocky pregnancy does have it's perks :)

An ultrasound machine for my house

2009-06-03T15:38:00.002-04:00

We had an appointment with a maternal and fetal medicine specialist about a week ago - thanks to the hematoma incident. Turned out not to be too bad as the tech spent about 20 minutes looking for various things, which basically meant we got to watch him/her for a long time! This was a really fantastic machine...the picture isn't doing is justice. And, for the low low price of $500,000, we could get one for the house :)

12 Week Surprise

2009-05-18T19:30:00.003-04:00

Subchorionic Hematoma - basically means you freak because you think you're miscarrying.

Apparenly I have this (blood clots in my uterus outside of where Turkey Lurkey is) and they are not uncommon, yet not common enough that I had ever heard of this. They go away in 1 of 2 ways - they get reabsorbed or they come out. Mine have chosen to come out :) Imagine my surprise at this on Friday when I'm in the shower and 'red' is all over the shower floor. I was allowed off the couch long enough to get to go to the doctors and an ultrasound confirmed that this is what was happening. They can come out slowly over time, or all at once...you know how I like to do stuff right so of course this is coming out slowly...but, slow is good as I was told that the difference between the clots coming out and a miscarriage is a fast, thick flow, rather than the spots every few hours...that and it would hurt more :)

However, the unexpected trip to the doctors got us this (and we saw him/her moving!!!!):

10 weeks

2009-05-02T19:47:00.003-04:00

Faithful followers, I have not left you...I'm just to freakin tired to write a coherent sentence :)

To catch you up, I've been hungover for about a month. That's the best way to describe this blessed first trimester...like I partied too hard last night. I'm tired ALL THE TIME and am queasy...the kind of queasy you wish would just go ahead and turn into vomiting cause then you'd feel better, but it never does so you try in vain to eat thinking that will help and it doesn't. What does seem to make it go away for a little while is salt and grease (Think: Lays potato chips). Thursday we entered the world of eating every 2 hours or else, so that's made going to the grocery store a little more creative.

As for my state of mind, when I'm not asleep with my eyes open, it's all over the place. Week 9 saw my first hormonal explosion at work and I'm not sure if it was hormones or just being tired. I'm still nervous when the belly aches, and I'm nervous when it stops aching. I keep reminding myself that bad = period cramps and bright red blood...neither of which I've had...so the aches are just growing pains :)

My next ultrasound isn't for another 8 or so weeks, and you know I find that unacceptable, so we may go out and purchase a doppler monitor...apparently you can get them in a "portable" version and it lets you hear the heartbeat at home...I'm thinking that when I'm nervous either way, we can just strap that puppy on and breathe easy.

I still have no desire to find out the sex, nor do I "know" what it is (although I do say "he" when speaking about the belly). The planner in me is getting a little antsy to start registering and buying furniture, etc., but I think I'm going to wait and hit it hard in the 2nd trimester, when I have energy...

ok...8pm = bed time so I'm off...thanks for coming back and checking up on us!

Meet Pouli #3

2009-04-17T13:20:00.001-04:00

We had our 8 week ultrasound today, and IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A BABY NOW!

We officially graduated (their term, not mine) from Shady Grove, which means I get to go to my regular OB just like every other normal person...which unfortunately means less photos of Pumpkin Pie, but, you better believe I'll make up for it once he/she arrives.

For now, thought, this will have to do!

Sarah

--
Check us out! www.thepouli.blogspot.com

Still Knocked Up

2009-03-27T15:43:00.001-04:00

Hello All - I just heard from Nurse Stephanie and she confirmed we're still pregnant...my HCG levels went from 185 on Friday to 3201 today. The goal was only 1500 - 1600, so since I jumped so high, they want me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday to make sure the baby's growing in the right location (i.e., not in my fallopian tube), which is what an unusually high jump like this could mean. Or, it could mean we're having twins :) or, it just means that I will run "high"...some women do.

Needless to say, I'm still freaking out. So, if you have a moment and are in a place where you can send a little prayer my way, I'd really appreciate it. All this suspense is slowly killing me, I'm sure of it! :)

And Baby Makes Three

2009-03-21T17:45:00.002-04:00

In case I missed telling you (in which case, I'm SO SORRY), our test was POSITIVE yesterday!

Baby Pouli will be making his/her grand entrance on Thanksgiving this year.

As soon as my brain wraps itself around the idea, I'll post more on how crazy the last few days have been. Thanks for all your prayers!

Interim Update

2009-03-17T12:01:00.003-04:00

So, we have 4 days and counting until the "big news day" and I thought I'd take this opportunity to update all of you on my world. I'm pretty sure they give you these hormones just to screw with you. They know this is one of the biggest things in people's life, so they decide to take it to the next level by making you wait 15 days AND put you on hormones. sick joke :)

Aside from reminding myself that the crazy mood swings/emotions are all products of hormones that are, for the most part, out of my control, I spend most days trying not to analyze every twinge or pain my body has as "something that may indicate I'm pregnant." This mental exercise dynamic duo is beginning to take it's toll, as I'm starting to lose some of the initial positive thinking I had a mere 10 days ago.

I think God must know this, as he's placed several people in my/our path this week to serve as His hands and feet to encourage us (well, me really) to stay positive. I will not name all of you, but you know who you are and, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You!

On a side note, Demetri's sister is pregnant...the fun just keeps on coming!

Day 15

2009-03-05T16:47:00.001-05:00

Hello All - So, today was our big day! Our appointment was at 11 and, no lie, the actual procedure took less than 60 seconds...a bit anti-climactic, but hopefully effective.

Now, the worst part...waiting. We don't go back until March 20th for our pregnancy test...what the crap! 15 days! OIY! Pray that I don't lose my mind!

Sarah

--
Check us out! www.thepouli.blogspot.com

Day 13

2009-03-03T13:12:00.001-05:00

Hello all - I just heard back from my nurse and she confirmed that everything is finally a "go" for our IUI...we had a little detour on Sunday as my follicle was only 16 mm, instead of the required 20 for insemination. Apparently my little follicle did not appreciate being called small as he jumped to a whopping 21.6mm today!

So, I'll take my shot tonite and our appointment is scheduled for 11am on Thursday. As long as I avoid "bouncy" things, high-impact aerobics and crunches, there's really nothing that I'm restricted from doing...however, so that I mentally feel better, I'll probably be avoiding anything that remotely looks like exercise...at least until we know if it actually took this time :) ok, maybe walking, but that's it!

After Thursday, my next appointment won't be until around the 20th, when I go back to see if we got pregnant this time...I'm really thankful that we have some stuff scheduled between now and then, but seriously, if you guys have anything going on that we can do with you that will keep my mind off it, that'd be great!

Thanks for your prayers!!!

Day 11...

2009-03-01T18:53:00.002-05:00

...turned out not to be the fun filled day I was anticipating. US and BW this morning showed 1 (with maybe 2 more) maturing follicle but it was only 16mm, rather than the 20mm which is apparently the goal. So, no shot tonite and no turkey baster on Tuesday. Instead, Tuesday is more US and BW to see if I have put on the 4 necessary millimeters so I can get the turbo boost.

Thanks for checking, though...

Day 4

2009-02-22T20:14:00.003-05:00

Hello all...I send greetings to you from day number 4. yes, that's right faithful blog followers...the period we all prayed for showed up on Thursday - with a vengence which made me question my excitement about having a second all by myself. And, as instructed, had a Day 3 appointment on Saturday. Once again, ultrasound and bloodwork just to make sure I'm on the right track, but this time, rather than Demetri, by Sister-in-law went with me (she was in town this weekend) and she's "fascinated" by all this fertility stuff, so we were very purposeful to tell people she was my SIL, and we weren't there "together". :)

Upon examination, the tech found 17 "potential" follicles in my right ovary and 9 in my left...didn't know if that was good or bad until I mentioned to the number to the nurse and she was very excited and said that 26 was a "great" number...overachiever, that's me. We learned that my little egg lives in these follicles and the follicle is what grows before ovulation...ovulation occurs when the follicle bursts and releases the egg and Clomid helps the follicles grow. (very much paraphrased from the nurse and the internet.)

I received a call late yesterday afternoon that cleared me to begin the Clomid and take every day until Wednesday. We have an appointment on Sunday, March 1st to see how many follicles grew like they were supposed to (1-2 is good....8 is not so good :)) and if there are the right number of potential candidates, then we'll take the shot and to in on Tuesday the 3rd for Operation Turkey Baster.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I find that I have this underlying calm about this whole thing that, dare I say it, is encouraging me to stay positive. I mean, just because normally this takes 2-3 cycles doesn't mean that God needs 2-3 cycles to work, right? I have to believe that a period before our appointment and then another one 34 days later is nothing less than divine intervention...especially for a girl that went 9 months having only 4.

We're fine, thanks for asking

2009-02-14T07:07:00.003-05:00

Hello, Friends...

Rather than update after every assignment we completed, I figured I'd save it up and write one big post after all our assignments were completed and we had a plan...that, and time just got away from me and I forgot to write them:)

Since we last spoke, we found out that my fallopian tubes are free and clear (HSG test), I am not diabetic (Fasting Glucose Testing), I don't have any tumors (bloodwork) and my levels of free testosterone are consistent with someone with PCOS (more bloodwork). We also discovered that some of Demetri's boys are on the low end of normal with regards to their shape. Which leads us to our follow-up appointment yesterday.

I would like to preface all this by saying that when we sat down to speak with Dr. McKeeby and I apologized for the way I sounded - I wasn't getting choked up, I'm just fighting the head cold that won't die. He said not to worry about it and he'd already made two people cry this morning...my eyes got huge and then he said that he didn't think that was going to be the case here...oiy!

So, some more explanation and diagrams follow and he confirms it's PCOS for me and a low morphology for Demetri...not bad, but low end of normal. He definately recommends Clomid for me and indicates that it's up to us whether or not we prefer the timed intercourse method or just jump right into IUI. My first reaction was to just do the timed intercourse - so sad, but I kept thinking that it'd be cheaper :) He explained that the odds of getting pregnant increase using IUI - we'd be back to the "normal" odds of getting pregnant, which are 20%-25% each month for normal women, and that sometimes, on Clomid, a woman's cervical mucus starts to reject sperm - even if previously it hadn't - so they couldn't even get up there even if they wanted to. Still, we stuck to our guns about timed intercourse. I asked for Provera to help bring on a period (Clomid cycle starts on Day 1) and he readily agreed (YEA), but needed to do bloodwork and an ultrasound to double check to see if I've ovluated - funny, huh?

After the bloodwork and ultrasound - I'm going to have to remember to start shaving my legs before we go to these appointments - we meet with the finance lady and here's where things change. She reminds us that our insurance only covers diagnosing and as soon as we document things like Clomid, it becomes treatment and none of our visits are covered anymore. She also indicated that they don't really recognize timed intercourse as a treatment modality, it's all rolled up in the price of the Clomid/IUI treatment. So, even if you elect to do timed intercourse, you're still paying the same amount as you would be if you were doing the IUI. hmm...

So this isn't too much of a financial burden, they've worked out this fee schedule that's discounted a little bit that you basically "lock in" before you start. Otherwise, it's about $400 everytime you go for monitoring and even more for the actual procedures (upwards of $2000 every cycle) and this "locked in" rate would be $1200 for cycle 1, $1000 for cycle 2 and $800 for cycle 3 and every needed cycle after that. Statistically speaking, most people do not get pregnant the first cycle...some do, but the normal number of cycles for pregnancy is 2-3, so I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but hey, crazier things have happened.

My little engineer, practical husband decides in the finance lady's office that we'd be silly to pay for a procedure we're not having done (because this is how you pay for the Clomid monitoring stuff) and have a reduced chance of getting pregnant...so he says to her, we'll just do the IUI. What?! um ok. Southwest Airlines Rapid Reward Points, here we come!

Basically, here's what we agreed to -
Day 1 - call to say I started my period
Day 3 - bloodwork and ultrasound to check for cysts
Day 3 - 7 - Clomid each day
Day 9 - bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I've got any folicles that look promising
Day 11 - Hormone injection (at home) to induce actual ovulation
Day 13 - specimen delivery and 2-hours later, insemination
Day 28 - test to see if we're knocked up

It looks so simple on paper :) Oh, and if you'r curious, I did, in fact, ovluate this month and so they told me to hold off on the Provera to see if I have a period on my own again in the next 2 weeks - seriously? Let's just get this show on the road already!

And, if you're wondering, yes, I'm still trying to convince myself we're not paying for a baby and that just because our kid isn't concieved the old fashioned way, it's still our kid...so, if you have a free minute, a prayer on my behalf for those things would be much appreciated...that and a prayer that I'll have a period soon :)

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2009-01-22T17:21:00.002-05:00

In our house, these are more than just delectable treats...they are apparently what my ovaries look like...more on that to come

Wednesday was our first appointment at Shady Grove Fertility. When we arrived at 8, the place was PACKED! I don't know what I expected, but didn't expect this...women (who looked like me - young, professional, fabulous, etc) were there with their husbands for the same reason we were being shuttled from one room to another for this reason and that reason by extremely plesant and perky medical staff.

We met with our Doctor around 8:45 after he'd had a few minutes to look at my chart and I gave him the short version of our story, which included our appointment with Dr. Frenchbread where she indicated that I did not have PCOS. In all seriousness, he looks at me and says "I don't know why she'd say that, because I think that's exactly what you have." Really?

He proceeds to explain this theory to us for the next 45 minutes using data from my chart and really rough drawings of my anatomy...what a refreshing explanation! Turns out not everyone is on the same page when it comes to the criteria for PCOS, which may be why Dr. Frenchbread thought otherwise. He was able to ascertain from my prior bloodwork that my body makes too much male hormones and the other hormone that turns those hormones into Estrogen (that makes you ovulate) isn't working right.

The three of us then met with our nurse, Stephanie, and discussed our case and next steps. Stephanie is the lucky gal that is going to see us through this next phase...no more calling and getting a different person each time...we get to call Stephanie directly!

Remember how I was wondering why in the world God gave me my period this weekend? Apparently it was so I could have a litany of bloodwork and tests done now, rather than a month from now after another Provera-induced period! While we were there, we were able to have an ultrasound done to scope me out down there - which is when we discovered my chocolate chip ovaries. Each ovary was filled with dark circles, which are apparently the cysts that I don't really have :) Even the doctor was surprised at how dark they were - he coined the chocolate chip cookie phrase (for those of you keeping track, I have a beautiful liver, perfect gall bladder, perfect thyroid and now, chocolate chip ovaries.)

In addition to the sonogram, Demetri and I both had blood drawn for infectious diseases, we're both starting Doxycycline, and I received prescription strength prenatal vitamins. Monday, I'm scheduled for fasting bloodwork to check my glucose levels, bloodwork checking my Testosterone levels and DHEA, as well as an HSG (this is the one I'm sort of not looking forward to). Demetri isn't off the hook either...no details, just know he's not off the hook :)

Once all these are completed, we'll have another appointment with the doctor to determine the treatment options. We're sort of being "over-diagnosed" as that's what our insurance covers...diagnosis, but no treatment, so before we begin a treatment regimen, he wanted to make sure he was absolutely sure what the issues were. Tenatively, it looks as though Clomid will be the treatment of choice, which he believes is all we'll need to get this baby-making machine up and running.

When we finally left the office around 11, I was feeling really positive (which SO isn't like me) and thankful for having taken that step to consult the experts. I'm kicking myself now for waiting so long!!!

More than a punctuation mark

2009-01-18T19:43:00.002-05:00

A Period.

If you're a woman, this is so much more than a punctuation mark. It's...special. It's what defines you as a woman. It ruins weekends. It's a sigh of relief.

And, I had one all by myself this weekend! :)

In summary, this is the first period my body had all by itself since last February. The 4 I've had since the miscarriage have all been the result of 10-days on Provera, the most recent being on November 19th. That's right, folks...almost 60 days.

As I realized what was happening, I couldn't help but chuckle...our first fertility clinic appointment is Wednesday...hmm, wonder what we're being set up for???

Becoming my own worst nightmare

2009-01-12T10:56:00.003-05:00

If you know me, you know that sarcasm is my spiritual gift.

If you know me, you know that "optimistic" is not how I could be described.

If you know me, you know I'm a control freak.

However, as I sit here typing this, I think I may have just morphed into my own worst nighmare...a positive, optimistic person that's willing to wait. This is insane...can this really be how it happens? The middle of the morning at work on my 2nd cup of coffee? This is when God chooses to reveal to me my changed heart? Seems a bit anti-climactic, if you ask me...

So, you ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm not sure...here's what I know:

I had a very nice chat with a friend of mine on Saturday that's struggling just like we are and I found myself doing most of the talking - which I hate because I know that means I can't listen - which is what I really wanted to do for her. Shock of shocks - the things I was saying were encouraging and sincere (well, sincere for me at least)...craziness! During our conversation, I discovered that through me, she was able to find my friend Ashley, who is also battling the baby thing, on the world wide web and how Ashley's recent post regarding Stepping Stones was an encouragment to her...I had to confess that I had read the post, but hadn't bothered to visit the site (more on that later), but decided I would when I got home.

As I thought about it more, I think the reason I hadn't visited the site was because I didn't really want to be encouraged about my situation - I wanted the pity party...I wanted to remain angry and bitter because those were emotions familiar to me and the thought of cracking that outer shell and really allowing myself to be changed scared the crap out of me. But, I was feeling encouraged by my divine meeting with my friend, so I decided to give it a shot. This website is pretty impressive and in the short time I had to read through it, answered a lot of questions I was having regarding our decision to seek treatment at a fertility clinic. I subscribed to the newsletter, which is so unlike me, but what the heck...

Also contributing to this new found positiveness is the information super highway...I was able to connect with a friend of mine and share some things that I need her to pray for - found her on creepy facebook, by the way - and she speaks my filter-less language, so her response spoke to my heart :) I've also become a blog-stalker of sorts, and through my friend Ashley found blog after blog by women just like me - I even commented on a total strangers blog post because she was telling my story, just in her words!!!

Which leads me to this morning, in my office, with Luke 1:45 taped to my computer screen - I know what you're thinking - "Who is this woman?!" Truthfully, I have no idea...but she can breathe!!!! It's like a light was just turned on and I'm seeing the world completely differently...this baby crap isn't happening to me, this baby crap is part of who I am, like it or not, and fighting this is like fighting me...

Make no mistake - the light will turn off for me eventually, so when it does, if I don't remind myself, remind me to check this post out so I can remember what it's like to breathe. And, Danielle - if you're reading this screaming obsenities at the computer screen because these are things you've been trying to get me to see for a while, I'm sorry - but if you know me, you know how stubborn I can be :)

We made the call

2009-01-08T20:41:00.003-05:00

This Christmas season for us was relatively painless. We had a nice visit from my parents and one of my brothers and sister-in-law - which is always fun...complete with ice skating on the mall and the great cookie bake off...Dexter turned 5 and 2008 (possibly the worst year ever) finally came to a close.

In case you're keeping track, I've not had a period on my own since last January - oh, yes, we're still fighting that battle. We have an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility on the 21st...let me just elaborate for a moment on this next adventure. Initially, when we made the call, I was pretty positive about the whole experience...this is an action step, and if you're a follower of this blog you know how much I love the action steps. Then I got to thinking - this actually kind of sucks. As I sat back and processed what we were doing, the more I kept wondering how in the heck we got here - a fertility clinic?! I mean, I guess no one plans to have to go to one of these places, and everyone I've ever talked to has had nothing but positive things to say about them, so I'm probably overreacting, but this just isn't how it was supposed to be.

They mysteriousness of God is starting to totally mystify me, just in case I wasn't sure what His deal was to begin with...

Really - I'm completely lost as to what the heck is going on. We assumed His plan for us was kids...both of us did and I think we're to the point now that if kids isn't the plan, we're in desperate need of a bit of a glimpse into what the plan is, because we're just drifting...drifting to the point of being angry about it - ok, well I am...Demetri is still Demetri.

This thought became very real to me during the holidays. When you run into people you haven't seen in a while, the normal question is "So, What's new?" The polite response is not to spill my guts about our apparent fertility problem, but to say "oh, not much - same old, same old", which isn't a lie...but I think that's what makes this so hard...we really aren't doing much of anything, because we're hanging out waiting for the next phase of our life to begin...this is where we are in the next phase of our relationship and we're just sitting back waiting for it to happen.

Many of you that I've talked to about this are always quick to point out the other side of this thought and belive (in spite of my doubt) that a family is in the cards for us - and I'm grateful for that. There are days when I'm more inclined to think that way and then I lose hold of it and fall back into this rut...

I always thought that because I am a hospitable person that that meant I wasn't a selfish person - and talk about surrendering your sinful self to the will of God kind of didn't apply to me since I wasn't selfish - how could I be when it is in my nature to be hospitable. I don't know that I would call it a lesson learned (cause if I had learned it, we wouldn't be going over this again) but a character trait that I have that has surfaced rapidly to the top would be my stubborn selfishness. (and that hospitality and unselfishness are in no way related.) problem is, i have no idea what to do about this and I'm afraid that, until I do, this is only going to get worse...any suggestions?

Update on my ovaries

2008-12-01T16:25:00.002-05:00

Last Monday, Demetri and I went to see the Endocrinologist regarding this hormone problem I'm having with my ovaries. Dr. Frenchbread (as she will be referred to throughout this post) was pleasant enough, but as she stepped out of the room so I could put my clothes on, we both felt like she was going to come back in and ask us what we were doing there...which she basically did. During our appointment she asked all kinds of questions about and around the "symptoms" of PCOS. She would just nod and type...very un-emotional in a typically French way (she was actually French, by the way).

She agreed that the initial hormone test (FSH and LH) were abnormal, but I didn't have any other indications - mainly nasty icky wierd hair growth - so she wasn't sure this is what I had. She did, however, recommend I lose 20 pounds and go back on the pill for a while to get by body back cycling. what? seriously? did you just call me fat?

Granted, my 5'7" frame could stand to shed a few lbs, but 20? oh, wait, that's right...the scale did say [cough] pounds during my pre-visit screen, and I did buy size [cough] pants at the Limited a week ago, but big is beautiful, right? The weight loss thing was news to Danielle's ears as she seems to have made it her personal mission to whip me into shape :)

Of course, my initial reaction to this news was sadness and frustration...3 months back on the pill?! That's 3-months out of the game! It never occurred to me that this may, in fact, be good news...not until both my mother and Danielle (without prompting from one another) pointed out to me that this was an answer to prayer. I saw this only as another point of frustration...I'm not getting pregnant and now there's no medical reason why. Glass half empty...

Dr. Frenchbread called me today to confirm that I have perfectly normal ovaries and all my hormones are just fine. This comes one day after a sermon on James 1:12-18.

12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

Fail. I don't do this...I don't consider myself blessed with this trial as it is not driving me closer to the Father...I don't turn and seek solace there...I don't seek the lesson or smile in the face of my growing experience. I give in to the temptation to doubt every single time and discovered yesterday that I'm not sure how to stop doing that. How is this particular trial a "good and perfect gift?" How come I can't see it as that? I have a hard time seeing this complete surrender of my plan to His as not quitting. In approaching this situation in that manner, I find that there's nothing tangible I can be doing to help - which SUCKS since I'm a do-er. I know, I know, that's probably the point of all this - to get me to quit do-ing all the time, so how come I can't seem to do that? What prevents me from totally just letting this thing go?

Can't remember what I was going to say

2008-11-11T11:42:00.002-05:00

I finally have a free 20 minutes to sit and "blog it out," as my husband would say, and now I can't remember what I was going to say :)

I spent most of the weekend just on this side of the line of "losing it." If I let my mind wander too much, I'd get choked up and overwhelmingly sad...so, I stayed focused - my house was picked up, the leaves were picked up, we had people over for dinner on Saturday, I walked 4.5 miles with my new drill sargeant...anything that I could control, I was controlling. While scary in recent months, church on Sunday was "harmless" except for worship, during which I found myself choking up everytime I opened my mouth to sing - no matter the song.

I decided that I would keep reminding myself that the negative thoughts I was having were "lies from the pit of hell" (dramatic I know, but effective) and that everytime I had one, I was going to remind myself that those lies are not reality (yet). For example, everytime I had the thought that I was never going to be able to bear children, I reminded myself that that's not true and women with PCOS have babies all the time. Everytime I silently hated pregnant women, I had to remind myself that God has the power to grant that joy to me. Everytime I saw women toting multiple children some place and silently longed for that insanity, I reminded myself that one way or another, we'd have that mess eventually. Everytime I was sad that our huge house contained just the two of us and wondered if it'd always be like that, I reminded myself that our house has contained a whole host of people and will most likely contain many more - the just might not be our children.

Overall, I think this strategy is helping. It was almost 11:00 today before I "remembered" our situation. See, progress :) Although I wouldn't classify my thought life as traditional prayer, I think I might be doing that very thing in my own way...little snippets of conversation or a phrase or two every now and then.

A big huge thank you to those praying for us...I'm sure I'd be a total basket case again if it weren't for you :) Demetri and I are communicating better through this (at least I think so) thank we did during the miscarriage aftermath. I'm able to more clearly and rationally tell him what I need from him (and vice versa) and he's still his overly optimistic self, but knows when to dial it down a notch to I can handle it :)

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary. It was on our 1 year anniversary that we decided we'd start making a family. I was very introspective yesterday about this last year and how it felt like only yesterday we were making this decision but how much has happened since then - it's amazing how much drama/growing/stretching you can squeeze into 365 days.

I'm currently sitting on a bench in Annapolis enjoying the fantastic weather after a very "Americana" Veteran's Day ceremony. Things like this help remind me that while what's going on is "real to the puppy," life is larger than me and my uterus.

Yes, Anelle, I Pray...

2008-11-09T08:56:00.005-05:00

The cry (or scream) of my heart these last few days...I can't claim that I wrote this, but whoever did, wrote it for me...I added the emphasis.

It's time for healing, time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me, And all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos (!) but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time for a milestone, Time to begin again. Reevaluate who I really am. Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!

I give everything, I surrender...To...Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.

Time to face up, Clean this old house. Time to breathe in and let everything out, that I've wanted to say for so many years. Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I [want to] believe You're up to something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but [one day I'll see], this is something bigger than me. Larger than life, something Heavenly. Something Heavenly. It's time to face up, Clean this old house. Time breathe in and let everything out.

[Insert exasperated noise here]

2008-11-07T15:07:00.002-05:00

I had my annual exam yesterday - which also included a "why am I having such a hard time getting pregnant" conversation. Background: my doctor's appointment was on day 49 of my cycle...no period and only one pink line. I love my GYN, so I wasn't panicked too much about having to have this conversation. She was super sweet and attentive and thorough...she checked for some thyroid conditions and proceeded with the exam. Then she said the two words that no one that's trying to get pregnant wants to hear..."fertility clinic."

Apparently my symptoms/story were leading her to believe that I may have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome , which, as it turns out, was confirmed today when she called me back with the results of my blood test. (Please don't panic...I do not have all the nasty hair growth they refer to in this article...I do however have most of the other stuff.)

*Please also note my favorite part of this article that states "Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries."

I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist to be further evaluated and could help us with the options.

Just when you think this can't get better, it does.

Fire Me

2008-10-15T20:54:00.002-04:00

OMG! Has it really been one month since I dropped a note? apparently

So, quickly - here's our status:
~Today is day 27. The weekend of 10/3 we went to Lexington, VA, for Demetri's 10th college reunion, where - as my mother put it- we were like rabbits...didn't know we'd be ovulating, but discovered about halfway through the weekend that we were. Yea! except now, I'm psychotically aware of every ache and pain my body is making and secretly holding my breath that day 28 will come and go, so will day 35 and then there will be two pink lines on a stick all the while trying to play it cool and be excited that even if we're not preggers, that this means my body is finally getting back to normal.

~We went camping last weekend and I skipped the 4.5 mile hike as, according to all the "literature" that was the time that our little egg/sperm combo would have implanted...so, we agreed that avoiding the activity might be best. I'm 50% sure that I'll feel pretty silly about that decision in 2 weeks, but it was nice to have 2 and a half hours to myself outside in the great weather. Thanks do Danielle (holla!), however, I feel free to be as silly as I want to about these types of decisions - as long as I'm comfortable :)

~This does mean, however, that poor Demetri is doing some extra heavy lifting...he helped hang new curtains, change the sheets and schelped all the laundry upstairs. It's hard consciously making a choice to not do the things you know you'd normally be capable of doing in hopes of increasing your chances of the combo sticking. I'd dare to say it's humbling.

So - I belive that's the latest and greatest...I'll be sure to let you know how the next 7 days works out.

Friends

2008-09-16T20:46:00.003-04:00

My my, has it really been this long since I've updated my faithful few? apparently time flies when you're on the pill again.

yes, that's right...the baby making machine has taken a pit stop for about 3 weeks and 3 days while we try and "get my body back on track." Today was the last day of the pill, so I'm bracing for a wild next few days. Poor Demetri, I think he's scared of me.

Emotionally, this last month or so has been just exhausting. I've stopped going to see Victoria as we just kept talking about the same things because I wasn't ready to move forward. I just felt pressured and wanted to be left alone...but not in a mean way, because I have come to love this woman! Just needed to take a break from the constant pressure of feeling like I had to be aware of my spiritual journey and the status of my soul all the freaking time. If you know me, you know I like to do things myself in my own time, so having Victoria in the back of my head pushing made me just want to stop even more. While progress has slowed, I think God is poking his head in everyonce in a while, just to remind me he knows what's going on and what's to come. blasted impatience.

In the midst of all this, Demetri and I are figuring each other out again. You don't ever go back to being the same woman you were before you were/weren't pregnant and I guess in some ways, he aren't the same man either. Not that this means our marriage is on the rocks or anything, just hit a speed bump.

But, the point of all this is to let you all know that read this and keep up with me either through the blog or in person that I appreciate you and your kind thoughts and words. You all have prayed for me and for us when I couldn't and that means more to me that you'll know. I was struck to write to you all after I found two old friends on facebook tonight. One was just a casual acquaintance that is now my sister in this fight for a baby. It's incredible how you're instantly bonded with another human being given the right circumstances. The other was a very good friend, roomate even, that I barely even know anymore. Her live went in a direction that I wasn't aware of, and am still not sure I understand, and I while I was "stalking" her tonight, I was a bit nervous to keep reading and struck by how many people, it appears, don't have a problem with her choices. How do you love people but hate their sin?

I remember just being crushed when I learned about my friend. How was I ever going to get over this divide that now existed between me and my oldest friend? I have since realized that I may have overestimated the depth of our friendship and that my friends, my true, real, never-gonna-leave-you, friends are right here. Love to you all!

The accuracy of home tests

2008-08-04T11:22:00.002-04:00

Apparently, they're pretty right on and all my wishful thinking couldn't get one line to turn into two...

My super acurate and super scientific blood test came back negative today.

I'm so frustrated at my own uterus right now I could scream.

I moved in this time too...my baby was going to be here to watch croquet next year. I'm glad I didn't know the decisive negative yesterday at the baby shower I was at...it was my first post miscarriage shower and I manged to go and not cry and not vomit and I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I was hanging on to hope that today would be positive. alas, no.

They are giving me another prescription for Provera, which I'm hesitant about taking, yet again. My mom tells me on Friday that she would go 80 days without a period before she got on the pill. That's great fun when you're not trying to have a freakin baby!

Now I'm bracing myself for all the "Just relax and it will happen" and "Enjoy all the practicing" comments that are sure to come. Relax?! Seriously, that's the best you got? I'm looking for the tangible suggestions, like do X and you're period will come. And the practice? what good is all the practice if you don't know when the actual show is coming up?!

Today will most likely be a day of cursing, so unless you want to talk to me in a converstion laced with 4-letter explitaves, don't call. And for all of you out there who are going to tell me that the best thing to do right now is pray and keep up all the good work I've been doing and now is the time where I need to put to practice what I've learned about God's goodness and his perfect plan for my life, I *know* you're right, but today, I might tell you to shove it.

One stupid pink line

2008-08-01T10:24:00.002-04:00

Only one stupid pink line on the test this morning - so back to the blood test. Having it drawn today, so we'll have to wait a few more days.

I hate tardiness

2008-07-28T20:52:00.003-04:00

Hello stalkers - just a note to let you all know that I am 7 days late and the test I took on Thursday was negative. So, we're going to wait until Friday, and if I haven't started, we'll take another test. Friday is also Demetri's birthday, so we're keeping our fingers crossed for some happy birthday news!

As an FYI, one of the reasons we're waiting is because the timeline of events the last time around , we had one negative test when I was 3 days late, then again when I was 6 days late. On late day 7, we went and got a blood test and on late day 8 we found out we were preggers. So - our logic is that if we're still late on day 11, then maybe it will show up on a home test. If you're keeping up with the story, you'll note that it was on late day 19 that the Incident happened. But, we're trying to think positive.

1 step forward...

2008-07-21T15:41:00.003-04:00

As an update to my last post, things are not apparently progressing as well as I had hoped.

For the first time in a while, we decided to hit BACC's morning service, rather than just Crossroads. A friend of ours was leading worship and we had "work" to do at Crossroads, so we got up early and went.

Imagine our surprise when we discover that the sermon was entitled "Heaven's Little Ones" (don't think it's posted yet, but check back here to listen). They're going through the life of David and have reached the point in the story where the child that Bathsheba has as a result of the affair she has with David dies. We decided right then and there the future sermon topics should be posted on the web...that or we should go to big church more often so we know where they are in the story.

I will have to listen to the sermon again in a few days, because I don't know that I can remember all of what was said, but it certainly did punch me in the stomach. I left more confused about who God is than when I arrived - if that's possible - and was disappointed at the apparent lack of progress I've actually made. It made me cry and get angry and be sad all at the same time.

So, between this sermon, my time with Victora and The Shack I think I am overwhelmed with information. The best way to describe it is like being under water and you can't feel the bottom and can't touch the top and don't know which way to go to find the life line...but without the panic of drowning.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to take a nap and trying to finish The Shack. We got to our little meeting at church just in time to give an update on our "Jesus walk." The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Back at the beginning" before I lost it. I think it kind of freaked people out - mainly because I didn't really know everyone in the meeting, let alone know them enough to have them know this was going on with us - and everyone else seems to be having a GREAT time with Jesus...it was a bit awkward. Thank Goodness for Demetri, who was able to articulate a little bit better about how hard the day had been for us.

So, now I'm at work and quite surprised at myself for being able to write even this much, as my brain is pretty much mush...I've also started jotting notes down in a book I keep in my purse...hopefully this will help me keep better track of my thoughts so that I can remember to come back to them either on my own or with Victoria.

I'm too much mush to even come up with a sarcastic quip to end this note...sad sad day.

So, what's new?

2008-07-13T21:29:00.004-04:00

Faithful Stalkers - thanks for checking back with me :) I hadn't realized it had been almost a month since my last post - my apologies...quite a bit has happened, so I won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know the whole story, just ask...

Not long after my most recent post, I saw Victoria. I explained the situation, and she suggested an exercise called The Empty Chair. Basically, you sit infront of an empty chair and spew out everything you want to say - in my case, to God - without being concerned about being polite or politically correct. The theory is is that once you do this, you've gotten everything off your chest and can then, move on. So, I saw Victoria on Friday, had a pretty serious craving for the beach on Saturday (thank you North Beach, MD), relaxed on Sunday and took a mental health day on Monday. All the while, I could feel myself calming down on the inside...calming down for the inevitable.

I don't know how many of you out there have read The Shack, but if you have, you'll understand when I say that most of this weekend, I felt like I needed to go to my shack. If you haven't read it, pick it up so you get the joke. I found my shack on Monday afternoon and had my empty chair discussion. I found, however, that I couldn't remember all the angry, mean and hatefull things I wanted to say. Semi-frustrating, but a small sign of my new heart.

So, after my literal come to Jesus meeting, things moved slowly...slowly but surely. I was at a place where I knew I needed to change how I was approaching things, not just the baby thing, but all things, and to be quite honest, I'm still trying to find the "right way" for me. But, acknowledging there needs to be a change is half the battle, right? Victoria seems proud of me, so that's encouraging...a little pat on the back reassuring me I'm going in the right direction.

So, since then, the anger has been less, I haven't cried in about 3 weeks and the bitterness seems to have dissipated. I do, however, still have trust issues apparently. I'm not mad, but I'm not sure I trust either. Next steps - work to really know who God is...not what the bible says he is or who He is to Demetri, but who He is to me and what "our" relationship looks like. Harder than it sounds, I can assure you.

And, the circle of life continues to circle...I began taking my temperature after my period started (control freak) and as the big ovulation days approached, I contemplated stopping...I wasn't sure that I was ready to know when I was ovulating because maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to try again. But, the control freak in me prevailed. As an aside, I find that checking my cervical mucus (which you do exactly the way you think you do) was much more accurate than my temperature chart - which was all over the place. But alas, the days of ovulation were obvious, and I didn't even have to "check." We're T +10 days from ovulation and I'm trying to ignore the slight tenderness in my breasts and the awakeness in my lower abdomen...it's not possible to know this early, right? So, if there's no period action in the next 7-10 days, it's pee on a stick time. Kind of excited, kind of nervous, VERY impatient!

In the meantime, I've been keeping myself super busy, as I have a tendency to do. I decided to change the look of our living room, which involved a coffee table project, we went to Florida for a few days, and moved Taegan to Richmond...nothing like a little distraction.

2008-06-19T20:43:00.002-04:00

So I still feel like a cow...this period isn't providing the relief I thought it would. So, that's discouraging.

I've decided to ask Victoria about medication. She's mentioned the last two times we chatted that perhaps that's what I need. Apparently whatever it is I'm saying to her is very clearly depression...fabulous.

The reason for such intermittent blogging, both here and on the "normal" site, is the fact that I can't keep a thought in my head long enough to write it down. I can't multi-task like I used to, and in fact, I have a hard time single-tasking really. Even now...don't know how to finish this thought.

I think this stems from the fact that I have so much going on in my head, that it's too much to simplify to write down. So as it turns out, I end up not writing anything down because it's too hard to think about doing. And, when I'm really in the midst of a meltdown (like yesterday) that's probably the best time to blog, but there's no way I'd sit still long enough to do it. Now, one day post meltdown, I can't remember what the meltdown was about that just seemed to paralyze me.

I told Demetri the other day that I was in a staring contest with God. Here's how that conversation went:
D: "You're in a staring contest with God?"
S: "Yes...and I'm just stubborn enough to win it."
D: "You're in a staring contest with the Creator of the Universe and you think you're going to win?"
S: "Yes"
He chuckles....So yesterday, in the midst of the meltdown, he asks if I think I'm broken yet...funny...broken yet? when was the last time I was whole?

The thought I keep having is that I can't do this. I can't keep living like this...I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this...what if I don't ever get better. And the thing I know I should do is pray about it (which even when you write that phrase out it makes it sound so simple) but I truly don't know how. Am I just supposed to bow my head and ask God to take it away...like it's asking Him to borrow $5? And then, once I ask, what happens next...what do I do next...can I just get up and have ice cream and watch TV? Is is okay to pick up and go back to my life after that or should it be an "ask" that requires an evening of devotion or solitude? I'm afraid that I've analyzed this so much that I can't back up from it and see it for how simple it really is. And when I do ask, beg really, that this be taken from me and I feel better, does God miraculously change my heart? Will I wake up one day and be a whole human being again?

As a disclaimer, I know all the answers to these questions. I was raised on the answers to these questions. I've told people in similar situations to do just this because God is faithful and he hears us. But now it's my turn in the hot seat and I can't do it. Truly. I'm so close to doing it...so close to blurting it all out in His direction (which may be the reason for the staring contest) but there's something that stops me...something that keeps my mouth from saying the words and letting it go. I'm not trying to fix myself, which is a step, but instead, I'm stuck here in the middle of this train wreck and can't take the first step to get out of it.

Maybe I don't want to be whole again. Maybe, deep down, I don't want to feel better because in some way that means I've moved on from my kid. Maybe that's an issue for my shrink.

Day 9+7

2008-06-17T08:29:00.002-04:00

For all of you following the madness, I'm happy to report that after a few days of nasty spotting, I started an actual period yesterday.

I am now wondering why I was so anxious to have it come in the first place!? Hmmm....

I keep trying to remind myself that when this is over, I will feel better...Today I feel like a cow :)

Day 9

2008-06-08T19:40:00.002-04:00

Today is day 9 of the 10 days of Provera...so, if we're lucky, we'll be feeling better by Wednesday.

But, until then, we're still a mess...and by we I mean I.

I don't know how many of you know this about me, but I'm pretty stubborn...especially if I know/think I can do something by myself, or even if I think I should be able to do something by myself. Hence, I've been really stubborn lately...I can cope with this...I can continue to work really hard at work...I can continue to serve at Crossroads...I can still participate at small group...I can be around pregnant people...

All false

As it turns out that's not the case and my stubborness is keeping me from accepting help...I have no problem asking for it, but the problem seems to occur once I leave Victoria's office, or once I get off the phone with my mom, or once I leave church. Once I leave, I don't ever actually practice what's been suggested. Examples (paraphrased):

Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to work on the sarcasm
Me: Yea, I know

But what happens? See anyone of these posts..

Victoria: Sarah, you know you need to confess to God that you need His help and comfort
Me: Yea, I know

Does this happen? no. but this doesn't happen because I don't want to, it doesn't happen because I don't know how to say it and mean it. I don't want it to be a conversation that I have in the car, but I know it doesn't have to be some huge ceremonious conversation. So, I continue with the status quo and continue to slowly lose my mind.

We went to big church for the first time in a while today and it was really refresing...we went for the commissioning of the Richmond Church Plant but I found, especially during worship, that there were themes for me...stubborness flareup...I get the knocking and am too stubborn to take the step and answer.

No baby this time

2008-06-03T19:33:00.002-04:00

I peed on another stick on Saturday and confirmed that we were not, in fact, preggers this time. So, I began taking the Provera the doctor prescribed for me, so hopefully in 10 days or so, we'll be having a period! Shout out to the circle of life!

Still no period

2008-05-30T10:34:00.003-04:00

wow - I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update...not my last rant and rave, mind you, but the last time I updated the faithful few on it :)

As you can tell from the heading, we are currently at the 2 month marker (today) of the "incident" and I still haven't had a period. This causes drama for several reasons. First, I'm basically hormonally miserable all the time. The combination of raging post-pregnancy hormones, grief that sneaks up on you and other internal issues that may or may not be related to PMS are enough to make a woman lose her mind. And I'm close to losing it, I can assure you.

Second, I have what feels like constant PMS...bloating, irritability, wierd sleep patterns, etc. Pants that fit before the "incident" no longer fit. There are days when I'm ravenous, and days when I'm not hungry at all. Some nights I sleep like the dead and others I'm awake everytime I roll over...discouraging.

Third - I fear that I may not have timed my ovulating days correctly and may in fact be pregnant again. This scenario will spawn what is sure to be the meltdown of all meltdowns...

I've been seeing Victoria for about a month now and words cannot express how glad I am that I called her. She's helped me see this from a different perspective. She did, however, mention this last time that I may actually be experiencing more than just grief, that it may be diagnosable depression. Fun.

About two weeks ago, I asked a friend that I work with (who is a nurse...) what she thought about my current situation. After she hugged me (!) she asked if she could pray for me (!) and then confirmed what we were planning to do. Here's the plan: I'm going to take another pregnancy test tomorrow, just to confirm that the one that was negative last weekend was correct, then try to see the doctor next week to fill them in on the drama.

If the test is still negative, I'm going to ask the doctor for some drugs (legal, I can assure you) to bring a period on - it's odd...normally, no one goes searching for these things :). Then we'll start over again. If the test is positive, we're still going to try and see the doctor to see if they can tell how "normal" the pregnancy is...oiy!

Make up

2008-05-19T20:41:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking recently that it's about time I get over planning the "ideal" make-up conversation with God. So, on my way home on Friday, I started spitting out nonsense to Him. It didn't come out how I had it played in my mind, but the basic conversation was this - I hate that this happened, and I know You didn't do this on purpose, but there was no one else to blame and I wanted to be angry. But, I also know that I hate feeling this way, so, here's the deal - I'm down with Your plan...and we can make up now...or something along those lines.

Earlier in the day, Taegan shared these song lyrics with me...and I kind of skimmed over them, since I didn't recognize the song. On Friday evening, she gave me the song to listen to...I had two reactions...the first was she's paying rent now :) and the second was how come I couldn't think of this to say?! Here are the lyrics...and here's where you can hear the song..

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something HeavenlySomething Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Mother's Day Weekend

2008-05-13T08:43:00.001-04:00

A quick note to say that I survived Mother’s day relatively unscathed. The only time I came a bit unglued was during our Sunday Morning show, when they had a little commentary piece about the song “Baby mine, don’t you cry.” Also, no one said anything inappropriate, or really even brought it up, so that’s helpful.

Friday and Sunday I felt like I may have been having cramps, but nothing yet, so that’s a little discouraging. I think that this week might be “the week” so I’m ready…really ready, actually, to get this one over with…never thought I’d be this excited to have a period before. It did cross my mind, however, that maybe I was a little to casual with my BBT and cervical mucus watch and that maybe I’m not having a period yet because we’re accidentally pregnant again…I don’t think it’s true, and I hesitate even saying it outloud, but I had to get it off my mind.

I am re-believing that prayer works, because this weekend with Demetri’s family was one of the nicest we’ve had thus far. So, my over anxiety and planning for the worst philosophy worked…it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be J I do realize, though, that there’s no way I got through this weekend, or this month even, without being prayed for, so whoever you are, where ever you are, I’m grateful.

Coming up...

2008-05-08T11:01:00.003-04:00

This particular post is going to be a little science experiment. Were getting ready to go to Fort Worth this weekend to spend some time with Demetri's family and I'm having some pretty serious angst with it. So, I'm going to try and write them all out and see if that helps me feel better.

Given the debacle that was Thanksgiving, any event that involves time with Demetri's mother causes legitimate anxiety in my chest. Not the normal "oh, I have to go spend time with my in-laws" kind of anxiety, but real, honest to goodness "what will she do this time" anxiety. There are so many unknowns that surround time with her that the control freak in me panics because I can't know how to prepare for what she'll do, what she'll say, what's going to happen when she pitches a fit, or, in the case of Thanksgiving, chokes on something.

It's quite un-nerving...even to the point where the last few days have been pretty tense between Demetri and I. He's seems so calm about it all, but I just know that when we get there, she'll antagonize him for a few hours, he'll snap at her, she'll cry and he'll disengage for a while - I don't blame him for that because he puts up with her for longer than I would - but the time that he's disengaged means that she turns my way and then I panic. I panic because I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to hold the same line that Demetri would, but it's like when you get a dog and you've never had a dog before...you're just clueless on how to handle things. My only hope lies in YiaYia. Demetri's Grandmother is going to meet us there, so I can only hope that his mother will cooperate a little better with her mother around to snap her back into acting right.

Here is the other reason I am not feeling so hot about this weekend. It's Mother's Day. I have a Mother, I love my Mother, but I am not a Mother anymore. Who knows, it may come and go and I will be surprisingly okay with it. Or, it will come, I will feel like crap, and instead of being able to stay in bed all day and pretend it's any normal Sunday, I will have to go and celebrate the day with my Mother-in-law, my Grandmother-in-law, and Maria Christina's Mother-in-law. I'm bracing for whatever Demetri's mother may say in an attempt to try and make me feel better but will actually come out horribly wrong and for any looks of pathetic sympathy that may come our direction...this just sucks.

I will try and focus on the fact that my own mother will be coming on the 17th and that when we are watching TV at my house, I will lay my head in her lap and she'll pet my head.

An update for the faithful following

2008-05-07T18:02:00.002-04:00

I want you to know that if you know me/us and are reading this blog, I don't know about it - except for you Danielle :) I didn't tell anyone about it, so if you've found this by accident or by snooping - HI!

Not much to report in the grief department...i think it's because I'm avoiding it. I've managed to completely pack the next 2 weeks or so, so I don't really have to think about it.

~Friday we're leaving for Texas to spend the weekend with the inlaws...enough said
~We get back on Monday and then Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be in Gaithersburg for a work retreat
~Thursday is the pre-meeting for Relay For Life (our smallgroup is doing this as a service project/outreach)
~Friday is the Relay for Life
~Saturday morning my parents are coming into town for the weekend - they leave Monday

So, it's probably a good thing that Demetri and I are scheduled to meet with Victoria (together) on Tuesday :)

1 month down

2008-05-01T21:58:00.003-04:00

Today marks one month since our little incident. I can't help but think about what it would be like to be 11 or so weeks pregnant. How bad would my boobs be hurting now? Would I still fit into my clothes? I try not to dwell, but still, I think these things.

I made myself do two things this last week to attempt to move on. I left a "we're so excited for you" note on my friends desk (the friend who started telling people last week that they were pregnant) and Demetri and I went and bought a little boy outfit for our friends who are having their shower on Saturday. I'm not going, but a friend is bringing the gift for me.

To help in the "control" department, I've started charting my basal body temperature. It's been helpful in that it has allowed me/us to feel like we are "still in the game" as well as determine the days I'm ovulating, since we're trying to avoid those days this month. I still haven't had a period yet, so I have no idea how many days my cycle is going to be...hence, BBT.

I purchased an old Hoosier Cabinet last weekend...I need a project to distract me. So, I began the refurbishing process...when I remember I'll post photos on the other blog.

All in all, I'm surviving...we're surviving

Staring at Him.

2008-04-26T15:10:00.002-04:00

I had my first appointment with Victoria yesterday...and apparently I'm clearly in need of such help that I'm scheduled to go back next friday :) While it's hard for me to remember the exact conversation we had that hour, here are some of the high points.

~She, and her daughter, both miscarried. This tells me two things. The first is that people really do get pregnant and have healthy kids after a miscarriage. The second is that I'm not going to have to explain every thing or every thought to her, because she knew every thought that has been going through my head for the last month and I didn't even have to say it out loud.

~She's good at her job, because in the first five minutes she had it figured out that "I have a plan"

~She spent quite a bit of our time together reminding me that God did not do this to me...nor did he allow this to happen because he is cruel. She reminded me that we live in a fallen world and because of this, things like miscarriages happen because Satan is just roaming around, trying to find instances where he can use our circumstances to hurt us.

~God is love. And as such, perhaps it was because of his love for me and for my child that he knew that Gus' time on earth would be so full of suffering that he took him home early.

~I will eventually get to see my child.

~What is happening to me is grief and I need to give myself permission to grieve...to become more transparent about what's going on with me to those around me such that they can provide support and that I'm not making this harder on myself by trying to deny what's happening.

~The times when grief shows up unexpectedly and at the most inopportune moments is normal...so are the times when it's prompted by something and almost incapacitating.

~Because I am SO Type-A, I have a hard time letting what my heart feels override what my mind knows

I have spent most of the last few weeks being very bitter and, having no one here to direct it towards, I just directed it upwards. So being reminded by Victoria that in spite of my bitterness, I am still loved and God wants to comfort me...but joked that that could happen when we were back on speaking terms. My dad reminded me that sometimes, God wants us to yell at him when we're angy with him, because when you do that, you're staring right at Him...and that's exactly where He wants you to be. Because it will be at that moment when He reaches out and puts His arm around you and draws you near.

I know that the last three days have been divine intervention and I know that my time with Victoria was time with God, and now I have to get over my own selfish, stubborn ways and let go.

I think Jesus is still speaking to me

2008-04-24T20:53:00.002-04:00

When you hear over and over again that your miscarriage wasn't your fault, and nothing you did caused it, that doesn't leave a whole lot of people to direct the inevitable anger towards, so naturally, I am aming mine upward.

Despite our current non-speaking relationship, I am pretty sure Jesus still loves me. Here's how I know. First, I had yet another meltdown last night (everyone's life is moving on and I'm stuck in "this", I can't be happy for our friends, yadda, yadda, yadda) and wondered if I could/should go to work today. Well, because I'm a good little worker bee, I went, but was only there until about 1:00 when my boss came in and told me to go home and, if I needed to, cancel my work plans for tomorrow.

Second, I was driving home from work and called the counselors office that Taegan recommended and the lady couldn't have been more plesant. She asked how early I wanted to come in, because Victoria had times tomorrow at 3, 4 and 5....um I'll take 5 please, thanks.

Lied about Accepting

2008-04-23T17:52:00.003-04:00

It's becoming more and more apparent that my previous post was a lie and that I am not, in fact, moving into acceptance...still bitter and pissed off.

Exhibit A - we had some friends over the other night and we were hanging out in the living room when one of them picks up Gus' bunny from the coffee table and starts to play with it. It took every ounce of strength I had to not shout "PUT THAT DOWN! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Exhibit B - Friends of ours are pregnant and due in July and her baby shower is May 3rd. I think I need to RSVP as a "no" because every time I think about it, instead of happy and excited for her, I feel...you guessed it...bitter and pissed off

Exhibit C - Croquet - while it was fun to hang out with Anna Stuart for the afternoon, I found myself constantly thinking that THIS COULD BE ME, but oh no wait, it's not...then I get mad and start to argue with anyone in my head that can hear me that I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT and then I get sad to watch fathers with their children because my uterus failed us and I can't give that to Demetri (a baby, not my uterus)...not logical, I understand, but thougths in my head nonetheless

Exhibit D - Taegan and I are enjoying an afternoon on the couch with the windows open enjoying the spring air before her small group starts and she lets it slip that yet ANOTHER set of our friends are pregnant...I faked excited, because they really had been trying for a while and she's had so much happen to her in her life that this really is great for them...but inside...once more, with feeling...bitter and pissed off. AND, she's due in late November, so it's not even like we can be pregnant together...nooooo, because I'm not pregnant anymore and am just sitting around waiting for a period to come so I know approx how long my cycle will be so I can wait ANOTHER cycle before we try again.

and no one else but me seems to be able to understand why i just can't be happy for them...I mean they are our friends...and it's not their fault I'm not pregnant and they are...but I just don't want any part of anyone else's pregnancy until I can be part of my own.

Two Cards

2008-04-11T13:17:00.003-04:00

Since my last update, I'm happy to report that I might be moving into the acceptance phase. The human soul is an interesting and complicated thing.

And, it's because I moved into the acceptance phase that I can report the following incident clearly and without sobbing.

Friends of ours who live in Oklahoma (and therefore were not included in my "but people I know don't have miscarriages" statement) tried for a very long time to get pregnant. After over a year of trying, they're having a bouncing baby in July! I shared with her my recent debacle...not sure why, but I was thinking of her and her faithfulness and just wanted to let her know what was happening with us. Yesterday we received the nicest encouragement card from them in the mail. I was grateful she was checking up on us.

The next card in the pile was from one of Demetri's relatives. I could tell by the stickers on the front of the envelope that perhaps Demetri's mother didn't get to this particular individual when she was sharing the not-pregnant news. And, as I suspected, the card was addressed to the "Proud new parents-to-be." It was hard to be upset, since I know she didn't mean it...and when Demetri calls to tell her we're not preggers anymore, she'll just be mortified! But, it was an interesting mail call just the same.

Good Grief

2008-04-07T09:53:00.003-04:00

As an adult, I don't remember the last time I experienced grief...or at least experienced grief so large that forces you to mourn. So, this last week has been an eye opener for me. There really are phases to grief!

In addition to the list below, I'd like to add rage and bitterness - "If one more person reminds me that this just means the baby wasn't progressing normally, I'll scream!"

Denial -
"I'm not really having a miscarriage...no one in my family has miscarriages"
"I'm 29 and healthy...there's no way this is what's happening"

Anger -
In the doctor's office hearing some other woman fill out her paperwork:
Her: "My due date is November 20th"
Me: Bitch

Bargaining -
"God - It doesn't matter to me how this baby comes out...you know I'd love it anyway!"

Depression -
"My parents were so happy when we told them, and it crushed me to have to call and tell them. I wanted to apologize for what was happening"

Acceptance -
Stay tuned

Basketball Team and the Heroin Addict

2008-04-03T10:33:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Sweeney's office (ultrasound man) to see how I was "progressing." I decided I could be brave and go by myself, which was fine until I was in the waiting room and another couple were there filling out there first time visit paperwork (outloud practically) and announced to the room that her due date was November 20th. B*tch.

I made it back to the exam room and the tech wanted to double check with Dr. Sweeney on whether or not he really wanted a scan or just a blood draw. After about 15 minutes, she came back to say no scan, just blood work. So out I went to the lab tech, who, by the way the son of Dr. Sweeney...

On Monday when I was there, he was trying to make casual conversation while he's sticking me (left arm), so he says "So, basketball team or less?" Huh? He clarifies "are you trying to have enough for a basketball team, or just one or two?" First, I'm in your office with no noticeable belly and no mascara either because I've cried it all off and you're asking me how many kids I want? Right now, I'd settle for just one! Second, who actually tries for that many kids?! So, I respond "oh, maybe two or three, but right now I'm just concerned with getting the first one"

On Wednesday, I'm back. I roll up the sleeve (left arm) and he's making more appropriate idle chatter. When I ask which arm he wants, he says "Same as last time. I'm going to try and hit the same spot so you don't look like a heroin addict." Huh?

Well, he did something wrong this time because my elbow crease is PURPLE! Then I found out from my OB that I have to come in and have my blood re-drawn by them so it can be typed to determine if I need to have Rogam...something about fetal cells in my blood stream that may affect future pregnancies. Right arm, thank you very much!

The fun just keeps coming!

A Bunny and Raggedy Ann

2008-04-01T10:50:00.002-04:00

When we were in NY with my parents (after the big Reveal!), my Mom wanted Gus' first "thing" to be from NYC. We looked for a baby blanket, but couldn't find one we liked. So, she picked up a white bunny for our easter basket instead - which was a surprise. This bunny sat on the kitchen table all week and yesterday, when I decided we probably weren't getting good news at the doctors office, I started to put all the "baby" things away. I went to pick up the bunny and found that I couldn't put it down. Instead, I stood there staring at it SOBBING! This was my child's first thing...my child I wasn't going to have! So, the bunny sat with me on the couch most of the day, and my mom said that wasn't wierd :) For the time being, the bunny is going to live in the living room with us.

Several hundred miles away, my mom was getting a knock on her door from a neighbor that she's not really close with, but knows casually. This neighbor presented my mom with a Raggedy Ann doll (I had one when I was a baby), saying that she was thinking about her when she saw it and decided to get it for her. Raggedy Ann is keeping Grandma and Grandpa company in their kitchen as we speak.

A Setback

2008-03-31T16:48:00.004-04:00

Ever since we found out we were pregnant, I've had some minor brown spotting (hey, you knew this was going to be a pregancy blog...don't be shocked) both on the liners I was wearing and on the toilet paper. Well, anyone that knows anything about pregnancy knows that anything other than clear on either of those places is just bad. So, even after the nurse called to say it was positive, I called my friend Kristen, who is a PA at an OB/GYN office, to describe the situation. She said it sounded normal, and my research indicated that a little color is not necessarily bad.

The spotting continued, as did the aches and pains in my lower abdomen. I did a little research and found that "all bodies are different" (yadda yadda yadda) and that some women feel this. It's "normal." I was 10 days from my first appointment and just couldn't stand the worrying anymore, so I called the doctor's office and the nurse practitioner said that it sounded normal, but what I should be worried about is anything that feels like period cramps and heavy bleeding like a period. I hadn't had a period since Feb 4th, so it's been a while...not that you forget what cramps feel like, but after a while, all the aches and pains run together.

Turns out, I didn't have to wait very long to be reminded...the very next day (Saturday), I woke up and was making breakfast and my belly really ached...I just assumed it was a "growing pain." (Anything that goes from a sesame seed (5 weeks) to a BB gun pellet (6 weeks) has to cause some discomfort, right?) And then I went to the bathroom. What greeted me on the toilet paper was bright red. Instantly sobbing.

That's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went...more aching, more bright red...then on Sunday afternoon I finally called my mom to tell her what was happening (I believe my exact words were "I don't think I'm pregnant anymore"). She encouraged/instructed me to call the on-call OB, which I did and I was told to lay low and stay in and not to go out if I don't have to. Demetri interpreted that as "keep your butt on this couch except when you have to pee." Fun for the first 3 hours...then it gets old. In addition to laying low, I was instructed to call the physician on Monday (today) and be seen and have blood work done. Demetri was trying to be upbeat, but I knew and at times I'm pretty sure I was inconsolable.

During the night, I was woken up by the most intense pain I've ever felt (to date) in my belly. I actually got up and sat in the shower with the hot water on my belly for some relief...which eventually translated into a heating pad on my belly, then on my back after that didn't work, just to rest. Finally, I made it back to sleep, but wasn't surprised when the 1/2 dollar size clot showed up when I got up to pee this morning.

I assumed the position on the couch and waited for 8 when I could call the doctor. After a few calls back and forth, she informed me I had an appointment with Dr. Sweeny, a specialist in maternal fetal medicine, for an ultrasound. Fantastic. I'm already to the point where there just going to check and see if it's empty?! Demetri had gone to work and I was going to call him and let him know what the deal was. Then he called to say he was on his way home to come with me to the appointment (I'm telling you, the best EVER!)

Appointment time: Demetri and I in the exam room with my belly covered in goo...she sees my uterus and right ovary (the left one was a little camera shy I guess) and goes out to get the doctor. He comes in and does some scanning of his own and then says there's a spot he wants to look at a little closer, would I mind if he did a trans-vaginal ultrasound...would I mind? Did I have a choice?! Demetri is still in the room when I'm instructed to undress from the waist down and put my feet in the stirrups. Again, still in the room when the tech puts a condom-like piece of plastic on the probe and pops that sucker in there...priceless, I'm telling you, priceless!

What the Doctor sees is the "remants" of a pregnancy...a few dark spots on the monitor that obviously don't resemble a 7-week pregnancy...no shocker there. But, he does want to make sure that it's coming out now as it should, so I had some blood drawn to find a baseline for my hormones, and am instructed to come back for round 2 on Wednesday...can't wait.

At any rate, that's our story for now. I'll have to change the title of this little rambling of mine/ours...but I haven't thought of anything witty or sarcastic enough yet, so this will have to do.

The Longest Day...so far

2008-03-28T09:47:00.002-04:00

Thursday, March 20th was the longest day of my life.

We decided we were going to tell my parents about the baby when they arrived at the airport on Friday, March 21st...so, I had to wait Wednesday afternoon, all day Thursday and overnight before I could spill the beans...(as an aside, I also had to keep my mouth shut during our baby conversation at small group on Thursday night!)

Friday morning finally came and I was about to leap out of my skin I was so excited! We were late leaving (duh) and they were already waiting for their baggage by the time we got down there. We made these paper signs - like the ones that drivers use when they're coming to pick up a stranger - that said "Grandma Diehl" and "Grandpa Diehl." So as we were walking up, we flashed the signs and it took a minute for it to register with both of them...then my mom starts crying and my Dad starts jumping up an down like a crazy man, then gets a little teary eyed...but they were pretty ecstatic for quite some time. I was really sweet.

I think she plans on keeping those signs...they'll more than likely end up framed on the nursery wall :)

5 Weeks

2008-03-28T08:43:00.001-04:00

By the time we found out we were pregnant, we were already 5 weeks! It was only after 3 inconclusive home tests (argh!) and one trip to the doctor's office for blood work that I discovered how baby math is actually done...I just assumed you counted from the date you concieved...nope, from the first day of your last period. Interesting. So, using the greatest invention ever - the Internet - I found a due date calculator that spit back out November 17th.

NOVEMBER 17TH!!!!!!!!